Trapped

Lovely, why dost thou bleed?
Everything I do
I do only for thee
Lovely, why dost thou weep?
The room is warm, thy fingers I keep
Interlocked with mine
Your flowers are there
I care
Lovely, why dost thou die?
There was never a person who loved you as I

Author's Note

This is literally the first poems I have written in years. Thoughts? CC welcome.

Reviews

[emipoemi]

It's not a bad poem for starters. It has good musicality, strong imagery, and the message is profound. Your choice of archaisms is bold. I would suggest to stick with it (towards the end, you switch to the modern and vernacular, which actually sounds good in the long run, but the fact that you use "thee" and "thy" in lines that are not the "Lovely, why dost thou..." you should either rework those lines so that they are congruent with what you're doing in the rest of the poem or switch the modern language to the archaic. Also, "your flowers are there/I care" doesn't quite fit. There's no antecedent for the flowers and the last line is much more powerful, and it implies how much "I care". Furthermore, it's much more poetic to be going "Lovely why dost thou......." "Lovely, why dost thou....." "Lovely, why dost thou....." If you wanted to have a bridge, it should be saying something more, and not something that you would eventually repeat in the last section. The poem would be much better without this particular bridge with the flowers. Well done otherwise!!

[Jeslyn Mara]

Thanks so much for your input!