(Late) Love or hate

I wish I could make him realize how much I love him…

It kills me everytime I see his name or hear it.

The worst torture ever was having him because I got a little taste of happiness. The love I have for him is unexplainable, unimaginable. Losing him was the worst pain I've ever felt. I have been abused in every way possible but nothing had ever hurt that much.

I will never understand what it is about this boy I cling to. But It's a attachment that could never be undone. When I think about him, I can't breathe. I would give anything for him to be mine. When I say anything, don't think that I'm not dead serious. I saw him the other day. My heart dropped into my stomach. I looked at him for a moment in his blue eyes, that's all it took I was shot again, by the memories, by the pain. The worst part is I have to keep it in now. I have to be strong. I can only talk about it to his sister, my best friend. Which is always hard because they look just alike. I know that I need to let go, but something deep inside me locks on to him. Every girl he looks at, talks to or dates will always be dead to me. Oh how I want to put a gun to her f*****g head. Make her feel the pain I have felt. I have so much built up anger because I don't like hurting people the way I have been hurt. But for him, I will do anything. I would never hurt him. I'll never let anyone hurt him. When he's away so am I. I have to fake my smiles, my laughs & my happiness. I miss the time where I meant something to him.. We will never be better apart, I don't care what anyone says. Literally when my heart broke, it felt like all the butterflies he gave in my stomach died…. Why? Why can't I let go of this one. I want to..It's not that I don't. Its that I cant. No one sees him in the light that I do. Attachment is your biggest strength and your biggest weakness. Though it gives you the power to love someone more than yourself, it becomes difficult to live when you lose something you are attached to. Even when we have lost, we should go beyond that and get truly attached to someone. Loving someone truly is the most beautiful feeling. I definitely got attached to JS, But if we are never gonna happen again, if I can't have my second chance, why can't I just detach?

He came to me in my dream last night. I even thought about him while laying right next to my boyfriend. It's like a disease to me. All of this has been saying how much I love him. But to be honest there's this very big part of me that hates him. Completely despises him, for all the things he put me through. For breaking my heart over and over again without thinking twice. If you know someone loves you and has done everything to tried everything to make you to realize that why hurt them on purpose. What kind of person would do that, but I let it go. Maybe in away I deserved it. Maybe it was my karma, lord knows everyone gets some. In all honestly it was my fault, how ignorant can one  be? Why had I allowed myself to even fall so deep in love. To get so emotionally attached to someone after all the broken trust from the past. All the lies and heart breaks from my childhood. I should've learned. Well, it’s too late now. Although, I will never allow myself to fall that hard or open up that much..ever again.

The day I thought would never come, has come and gone.

I heard him beg for me back, and oh boy all I wanted was to run back to him. That's the moment I had to think, If I let him back in he’d surely destroy me. Meaning to or not he would. I'd rather him destroy me than me destroy him. People say you can't love two people at once.

But I don't believe that a single bit.

Why would it be so hard for me to chose. I've loved Jordan for a year now. But I'm also very attached to Stone. I mean I've lied to him. I'm still talking to Jordan. I just can't stop loving him. I can't stay away, he was my everything.

                     *

I ran right back to him, who's actually shocked though. He broke me. But I was strong & this time he didn't get to leave me, I don't know when or how I finally realized it wasn't his fault. He's just a sick and twisted person. He can't love he doesn't feel & he will never grow up. Doesn't want to change, so he never will. And he will never realize how many people love him. No one knows him like I do.

It'll be a year in 5 days. I remember the day I met him I was actually talking to someone else and he was snap chatting me trying to get me to come hang out with him. I was with a friend and I didn't want to leave her so I told him no. Later on that afternoon I was dying my hair and I ran out so I needed to go get more and I didn’t have a ride so I messaged him and asked him to take me to walmart. He took us and we got out, I remember I looked awful. The first thing I noticed about him was his blue eyes.When I got into that car I had no Idea he would end up having such a huge effect on my life, on me and my heart. It's crazy to think if I hadn't ran out of hair dye I never would’ve met the love of my life. Maybe he regrets even meeting me..

Don't know if I ever wanna dye my hair again. He will always be the one.

A year ago today, I made a huge mistake. Falling in love with Jordan Stillwell.