The Cycle

The cycle has begun,

Now that spring has sprung,

Like the one that set in with last autumns sun.

And what's more,

You can sit rest assured,

That when the tides lap up on the summer shores.

I won't be exploring.

No, I'll grab a shovel and dig through some more.

I'll implore myself to change,

To rearrange my main cravings,

But the monkey on my back took an axe to my brain.

Helping me maintain my high functioning power,

Though my energy fades,

Minute after minute and hour after hour.

Still, it's begun,

And as usual it starts with such fun.

With new insight I go about my day feeling numb.

High as a kite, I self medicate, feel at one.

But I'm not dumb.

The back of my mind niggles with what's coming.

The sun is setting and the birds are humming.

And I'll be the one up whilst everyone's sleeping.

Laughing hysterically, then quietly weeping.

Basking in an insanity of my own making.

One of promises and lies,

Breaking and taking,

Banshee like cries,

And fantasy making.

Till eventually I crumble like rubble on the floor,

Swearing never again, then looking to score.

Should I call a friend and escape these four walls?

Only to pretend I have grabbed life by the horns.

Go on like my thick skin has never been torn.

No, I'll lie here alone and enjoy this self loathing.

Wincing at my reflection in yesterdays clothing.

Cursing the affliction that enhances my erosion. 

Cementing the inevitable further explosions.

The cycle has begun,

But please I'd like to step off it.

I'm tired of being spun,

Why can't I just drop it?

All that therapy and still I can't stop it.

And I'm intelligent, I could have been a prophet.

But now I'm just a soldier on enemy lines,

Dodging bullets and leaping over mines.

Surely one more line won't make a difference?

Though I know my own mind,

And believe me, it's persistant.

My adamance will weaken and fade into the distance.

Till I find myself back at square one,

At the beginning of the cycle,

Having such fun.

Author's Note

And constructive criticism is welcome