The Dark Manison

just like the title says

 

 There stands a very big mansion, sitting alone with a very beautiful garden. In the mist of the now fading sunlight stand a group of teenagers walking up towards the front gates of the mansion. As soon as the group got closer to the gate, the large iron bar gate swung open by itself with no one around to see for miles. As they stand there in amazement and spooked, one of the teenagers, April, speaks out to the group, “Maybe we should turn back now while we still can. I don’t like the look of this at all right now,” she says. While they bluntly ignore her, they all started to walk past the gates up to the front steps of the mansion.

As April being the last one past the gates to catch up, the gates swings shut with a loud bang behind them. Everyone turns around but for a brief moment, then turns back and heads forward to the large marble stairs that leads to the mansion. While the group starts to head, Zack was late as usual to the mission, “Well with this jewel, I should be able to hold my powers to a minimal without overdoing my body.”As Zack grabs the jewel that he found, he heads towards his bike, put on his gear, then start up the bike, give it a little push on the gas, then takes off to find the group at the old haunted mansion.

Along the way, he was thinking about how many times he was late for his mission, and then laughs knowing that its must be more than five times he had been late for this, “ I wonder if I can get there sooner than before if I use my powers now before I put on this jewel?” Then knowing his antics, he went ahead and use his shadow powers now to get there on time to the mansion before he become late again. While driving, he felt a sudden stab into his side, and decided to stop on the side of the road to see if he’s ok. To his acknowledgement, he sees nothing wrong with him at all.

Back at the mansion, April starts to wonder where are Zack and also Zeke, which at this time Zeke was already inside the mansion waiting on the group outside to enter. So he turns back to the big wooden doors that stand in front of him, and tries to open the door with all his might. While it slightly budged, the group had noticed the noise and pushed on the door to open it the same way. With the door open all the way, they all see Zeke standing there, holding onto his ribcage and breathing heavy, with the overwhelming expression of passing out. January get to his side quickly and starts to heal him as much as she can, “Thank you, January for healing me,” Zeke speaks but softly to conserve his energy for what wait them in this big mansion.    

Zack is pretty much there at the gate and just went to teleport to the doors instead of trying to open the heavy iron gates, which are already shut closed and will not budge. Appears in front and in a state of awe, he sees that his brother has been hurt badly, “I thought I told you when you get here to not go into the mansion,” he yells, “ I know bro, but I had no choice as I thought I had seen you walk in here already, “ replies Zeke. “I wasn’t even close to here Zeke, remember, I was at the old ruined house on the hill for this.” Zack had taken out two pendants for both him and Zeke, since both of their powers does get out of control at times. He gives Zeke the red pendant jewel as he is already wearing his onyx pendant. Now as the group finish smiling and healing, they all look around the mansion and know that this is going to be the biggest adventure and mystery they had ever had in so long.

Author's Note

right now just ignore the grammar problems cause its being reviewed by my professer.

Reviews

[KisuKimmi]

Hmmmm....right at the very start you wrote "There stands a very big mansion" in writing to spark the interest of readers you must be good with word choices... you have probably heard of banned words in writing... you shouldn't use the word "big" unless perhaps it is a children's story, instead, you could use: large, gigantic, enormous, massive, huge, or extravagant.

Try not to overuse the word "very"
look at these sentences...which sounds better:
There was a very big, grey cat sitting in the steps.
There was an enormous grey cat sitting on the steps.

Looking at those sentences, you can see that the "very big" sounds sort of childish, and uninteresting, but the use of a stronger word like "enormous" can make a story much more interesting.

in the second paragraph you said "gates swings" ...swings does not have to be plural..it would be better as "gates swing"

it also sounds as if when you are writing you are switching person...usually in writing you stick to one person in writing

you wrote "he heads towards his bike"
and then you write "he was thinking about how many times he was late for his mission"
"he heads" suggests that it is happening now...and then "he was thinking" is in the past tense

to me it seems that you just wrote this as kind of an outline for yourself to get the story idea out...now you have to make it into more of a story...

remember...the main job of a writer is to be able to draw a reader in, you cant let them get bored and want to put your story down, you want them so drawn in that they will be begging for more.

Other than that, it is very good...id love to hear more

[Pluto]

Okay then. I'll ignore the grammar. What about wording issues? Can I mention those? "To his acknowledgement, he sees nothing wrong with him at all." Acknowledgement is not right, perhaps relief would be a better word. And it seems to warp in and out of personal and omninescent view.

[LivingHope.]

Wow. Very intriguing!! I really like it! The cliffhanger is really good too. Like you said, there are grammar errors, but other than that it is absolutely perfect! Keep up the good work!