The Drive

Let me know what you think, I really want some comments on this poem ^^

You’re still asleep

Laying there, silently

Against the window, in the other seat

And once again, I try to plea

That this will all work out, it’ll be

Better than before, just trust in me

 

I’m still driving

Down lonely lanes

That are still winding

Through my brain

While I’m still deciding

 

I don’t know where we’re going

-And you didn’t ask

…We didn’t care

Yet, without even knowing

It was very clear

That where we were driving

It was far from here

 

City lights-far behind

Snuffed out in my mind

Like all the troubles- every last unkind

Deal of fate

Misery, arguments, debate

On whether or not we could ever make

A life worth living, when we’re full of hate

 

And I think then,

-maybe, I should just keep cruising

With the city behind,

-what would we be losing?

With a new start, we could start choosing

To build a new life- and start proving

While life is tough, we’re still viewing

A life worth living, and we can start moving

 

I could get a new job,

-A new apartment

I’m done with the same s**t, the same streets,

The same police department

And maybe in this new place we could get carpet

I know you’ve always wanted that

And you could get started

On that photo album that you’ve long departed

-hopes of completing

After all, why would you want to remember when life kept cheating,

Any happiness,

-from our now depleting

-hearts,

-that long stop beating

 

You could go back to when you loved dancing

With no music on, it was still entrancing

When sometimes you’d wear a dress

For no real reason, and I could never guess

But I’d joke that you were the Queen,

-the Empress

 

And even though, I still remind you

You’re beautiful, and I don’t mind you

Wearing sweatpants, I could not deny you

You hardly smile,

In fact, it’s been quite a while

But maybe when you wake up in another mile

It’ll be to a new life

And a glimmer of hope

That all strife, will be soon revoked

That we’ll have made it past the worst half

And once again…

I’ll hear you laugh.

Author's Note

Just typed this one up, minimal revision. I looked it over one time real quick before I put it up and changed a few lines, but I'm always open to criticism and suggestions. Or just plain comments on what you think of the piece. ^^

Reviews

[Sarah Stearns]

I thought this was excellent! The imagery was well done. The emotion put in the driver makes you visualize the circumstances around the couple in the car. What happened to them? Where are they going? Does the driver even know where he's going? My favorite line has to be "I’m still driving/Down lonely lanes/That are still winding/Through my brain/While I’m still deciding."
Great work. :)

[MachinaWriter]

Thanks a ton ^^ This was written for my fiance, who is the girl in the passenger seat of this car. So a lot of the things described are true from our lives. Especially the ones talking about her. I'm glad you enjoyed it, thanks for reading. ^^ I have plenty of others, so feel free to give them a look if you ever have time :)

[Southern Cross]

Aww this was so tender..and how I could relate. It's the hope amid the despair that creates such beauty. A man who actually wants to try. Didn't know they existed..been told too many times "that's girly crap"..the saying of words that us "girls" want to hear. I really think your talent should branch out to music..not the singing but the writing.. Drake, Jay-Z, Lil Wayne heck the list goes on ..

[MachinaWriter]

Thank you. I'm always trying, even when I think I can't anymore. When I get into something, I put my whole soul and heart into it. Its my biggest weakness and yet, my greatest strength. I don't think its "girly crap" at all. Its honesty. And honesty takes strength and courage.

I've done freestyle competitions, just for fun before lol When I was in Atlanta, a few years back. I won some money, so it was pretty cool. That was long before I ever started writing poetry. Actually, poetry is new to me. I wrote my first poem (not counting the ones I did in middle school for homework lol) when I joined this site, about two months ago.

[Southern Cross]

I started writing a play then a friend suggested WC..My first poems are on here as well. always wrote in High school but never entered any contests. I'm hoping to write a book of poems .

[MachinaWriter]

I think you should definitely do it. You have a talent ^^

[Kelsey]

Absolutely beautiful. I know I use the word beautiful to describe your writing a lot, but it fits so perfectly. This is quite possibly one of my favorite pieces of yours. The flow is great, the idea is lovely. Amazing job, as always.

[MachinaWriter]

Thank you ^^ I read this to my fiance and she cried, because of all the little things. The dancing, the dresses, how she always wanted carpet when we got a new place, that little scrapbook she never finishes. It was us not too long ago, in that car, wanting to make a better life. I'm glad you liked it ^^

[Kelsey]

I have the cheesiest smile on my face right now. That's just, inspiring. I'm so glad you found that better life you were searching for.

[Marcos Berenguer]

I love this--it's incredible. Favorite part:
"I don’t know where we’re going
-And you didn’t ask
…We didn’t care
Yet, without even knowing
It was very clear
That where we were driving
It was far from here"
Beautiful writing. This beginning of this poem reminds me a bit of the song 'Passenger Seat' by Death Cab for Cutie.

[MachinaWriter]

Thank you ^^ I'll have to give that song a look some time. I don't really listen to that kind of music, usually. But thanks for reading the poem ^^ Glad you liked it

[Sirius King]

very nice, i like that it gives a feeling of hope, at times we all need a fresh start... i had to take that drive a few times in my life...Good Write As Always!

[MachinaWriter]

Yeah, I've been on that drive more than once. Always seeking a better place, especially when the one you left has so many bad memories it would be impossible to stay there without being reminded of them. Thanks for the review, as always ^^

[Apatheia]

I love this. I feel like that all the time. I love your description on how things will change and what she wears. One of my favorites.

[MachinaWriter]

Thank you ^^ I wanted to tie this into my poem She Dances, to show a sort of comparison to the change in how she feels about the world.

[Apatheia]

Ahhh. Very good idea. Love it.