nothing

I wish that you could see my pain.

 I wish I had the courage

to show you my tears. 

To tell you that you hurt me. 

You are hurting me. 

She is hurting me. 

Why am I the only person who doesn’t matter in this? 

Why am I alone, left to work

 and work

 and work,

pray and pray

for you

for us. 

For the family we made together. 

I try every minute of the day to make you see me,

love me

want me. 

At the same time, I hide my tears.

Or try to. 

When you ask me why I’m crying, I make it small.

 I make me not matter.

 I make me less. 

I hate that.

 

 I want to scream to you! 

 

YOU! 

You are in her heart, in her arms, in her room with her alone, when you should be with me! 

 

With your wife.  Your heart is here with me. 

You told me so. 

You said you couldn’t stop loving me if you tried. 

Well. 

Now, did you try hard enough? 

 

I smile

 I show the world happiness that isn’t there. 

I show our children goodness

and kindness

and beg you to do the same. 

But I’m empty inside. 

My heart bleeds every moment of the day.

 

 I’m sure half my realities are not real

 I’m sure half my worries are nothing

 and that makes it worse. 

 

If I’m worrying about nothing, then I am nothing.