A poem of love and hate and overall disgrace

These are just my honest feelings right now and I’m feeling kinda tired

I don't hate her. I don't hate her for being close to him. I don't hate her for being smart. I don't hate her for the way he acts around her. I don't hate her for the pain and jealousy she makes me feel when he laughs at her jokes, for when he teases her, for when he talks to her in his playful manner.

Deep down, I know that I don't hate her. The thought of the love of my life not knowing I exist infuriates me. I know that she has done nothing wrong but the pain in my chest will never leave me. I get hopeful when he makes eye contact with me and holds the door open. Reality hits me sharply as I remember that he is simply a courteous and polite person. He does that for everyone, I should know better than to get my hopes up. Yet when he hurts himself ever so slightly I worry anxiously, why should I care whether he gets hurt or not? I am simply a classmate, a passing face, an onlooker to his perfect life. One I can never be part of.

In my own mind, I will always be second best. She always gets a mark higher than me yet he is better. I do not thrive to be better than him, but I wish to at least be on the same level.

She is a lovely person overall. Great friends, Great grades and great value. Say this was a logistical problem. Most people would most likely choose her as the rightful suitor to him. She, with her beautiful ebony skin. She, with her long-lasting friendship with him. She, with her amicable personality. Over me, a mediocrely smart girl with an introverted mind and a select amount of people to call "friends". Me, with my grey bags that sink in to my skeleton. Me, who at any chance to have any interaction with him, instantly and automatically builds an impenetrable iron gate.

Why would you even bother to look my way when you can look to her?