Cold Butterflies

I saw you downtown the other day. You were bending at the fruit seller’s spread of apples. That man, I remember, used to sell Frooty bottles in summer. Those tiny bottles that come with funny mango illustrations. You would buy me one of those every Friday, and laugh at my childish glee as I took swigs from it. I succeeded once in making you have some, that too, because you were very thirsty.

I didn't feel the need to pretend to like Breezer, or even soft aerated drinks before you. You knew I was a little kid who loved her mango juice, who loved smoothies, who probably lost her bib somewhere. And I was OK with that. You towered over me in all your intimidating glory, holding my hand and steering me while crossing roads. I was OK with that too. But I wasn't OK with the way you kicked at speeding cars, pretending to cross the road while the light was still green. I would snap at you every time that happened. It had become routine.

As long as we walked, there was nothing for me to be afraid of. There would be dogs on the road, some old man begging, a girl in candy pink, something always to grab your attention, for you to comment on. I was safe. Not under your scrutiny. The problem came when we had to sit, because I really couldn't walk anymore. I would sit, and then you would plunk yourself down opposite me, at least two feet away. But that didn't help. Slowly, your eyes would finally find me, and pin me down.

Even today I don’t know what questions your gaze held, why you looked at me in that strange way, or if you found what you were looking for. And I will never know. But what it did to me, how it made me feel, how I disliked the spotlight, yet hated when you looked away, you will never know...

When you wouldn't be looking at me, I’d sometimes dare a quick glance at you. So simple, yet so extraordinary, so full of mysterious ambiguity. What illusive creature were you? Was it pride, that it was I next to you, that made my heart swell? What did I fear? You would disappear soon, I knew, and I would fade away in your wake. I only had to lift a finger to touch you, yet you were far beyond my reach. Something nebulous walked alongside me, and I didn't dare pry.

Only now I wish I had. You were the one who laughed, yet whose smile faded before it reached the eyes. Your icy black eyes that never knew warmth. To look into them would be to lose oneself in a thunderstorm, where the rain hurt like sharp pins in the eye. Your indifference was the noose around my neck, but did I even try to remove it? I would willingly be devoured if that is what it took to know you. I’d lose sleep and hold you close, only to see you smile. Your darkness was my shadow, your pain my hurt. I’d look deep into your eyes, and keep looking until I had burnt the blackness away, and had brought some light into them.

Oh. But what am I thinking? I saw you downtown the other day. I know you saw me too, just as you saw the man from whom you bought a dozen apples.

And then you turned around and walked away.

Reviews

[Avinash]

Heart is unable to follow the timeline as it records the feelings not the happenings and remnants of bygone love still come to haunt.

[Samuel Jack]

Really good short story, I was quite sucked in by it. Very sad story but good complex emotions in this piece, and you ended it well. Keep up the good work!

[Manali]

Thank you so much. Hope to keep writing better. :)