In My Bed

This is a poem to a friend of mine.Who means a lot to me.

                                                          i lay in my bed
with racing thoughts in my head
were to start an were to end
were do love an lust began
i see that smile in my mind
an dream about you all the time
you talk about such awesome things
but i cant seem to get threw the pain
the days go by so f*****g fast
why do i find myself in the past?
i love so much that feeling i get
when your near,hold me,kiss me
my world is so fucked up
i want so much to let you in
have you,hold you,see your smile
see your face an hear you talk
i feel like my life has no end
to all the pain
an all the fake friends
are you real or are you fake
will you make a huge mistake
break my heart
or break my trust
will you be that one for me?
be the one everyone sees
the one they love an never loose trust
one that is there threw thick an thin
stick by me till the end
be my night an shining armor
one that would never try to harm her
be there to heal the pain
an help me keep from going insane
make my world a better place
just by seeing your smiling face
if you don't get what im trying to say
I WANNA SEE YOUR SMILING FACE
but i don't wont that relationship
cause right now they all go to s**t
i don't wanna curse it make it bad
cause right now i love what we have
the laughs,the talks,the late night calls
the smiles,the kicks,the i love yous an all
if you wonder why i don't say it back
is cause i want it to be a FACT
right now my hearts ina different place
an the lust is what i see in your face
i don't want to hurt you or make you sad
but my mind seems to be very bad
all the dreams an fantasies
right now i wanna see
if i can get lost in you
without the thoughts of being untrue

Reviews

[Cylis Derrens]

A character who seems deeply conflicted. I would say they are unsure of what they want.

[Morgan Ashire]

The cadence was good, keeping a fast paced read almost the entire time, but I do have to say, I was not to impressed by the fact that the rhyme scheme never seemed to stay consistent. You convey the stress of the situation well enough, but the way it tips in and out of rhyme and rhythm, could, at times, throw the reader off of their pacing.

[Dawn Jones]

This is well written but you do have a few mispellings I believe. It makes it easier if you read it out loud to yourself to see where things sound wrong. I liked it. Good job.

[Brie]

This is great! It had so much emotion and I could visualize this. Great job!

[Nova]

i really liked this poem. it really says wat u are feeling at the moment.

[Voltaire Mephisto (aka ..]

Overall a good solid poem. Not too much vulgarity, but the frustration about your situation is made quite clear. I didn't see to many gramatical errors, nor was I really looking for them. I think you have good potential. What I encourage you to do is expand your vocabulary.