Me and you.....

 

We're always together,

always smiling,

always laughing,

and always dancing.

 

Sometimes, I wish

it could last

forever...

but it will all end someday

 

I listen to you,

when you need to be heard,

when you are down,

I want to see

you smile.

 

So, I make a joke,

and even though

isn't funny, you

smile....

 

And GOD!

I love to see

that smile

of yours.

 

And when I'm sad

you always

ask me

if I'm okay...

 

You try to help,

and that makes

me see

that you actually care!

 

That's how I

know, that you and I 

will always

be together...

 

Then I'll say:

I will always love you... forever.

Reviews

[fireblossom]

I think you are describing the first love of your life. To you this was and will remain the first time it ever happened in the history of mankind :-) That's just the way it is. The fact that this has been said before doesn't make your experience any less powerful or meaningful.

As you grow as a writer this experience will deepen your ability to express emotion. This poem is on the surface still because that's where you were as a woman when you wrote this. I just reviewed a painful poem of loss. That poem had more "guts" to it, but I don't want to discount the need for this poem in your development as a really good writer.

Keep writing!

[Frank F. Atanacio]

It was a fun read.. and it did its job it entertained.. :)

[Saturnalia]

I must admit, this is a bit cliche. It feels as if I'm reading every teenage girl's diary. Nothing really sets it apart to me. It's cute and sappy, but not to be taken too seriously. Try to avoid trite lines such as "You try to help, and that makes me see that you actually care!" Especially since it has an unneeded exclamation point. To add to some superfluous grammar points, there are a lot of unneeded ellipses.
The cadance fluctuates often, and the rhythm becomes disrupted. All I'm left wondering is: what makes this relationship so special that I'd want to read about it? Actually, even if it isn't special, you have to make it sound different. I'm sure everyone experiences this when they're dating. Why should I care?
What you have to do is make the reader care.