Flowing

Flowing

A Poem by Maroon Surreal

Like the flowing river
Let the liquids push me away
Like the whistling wind
Let my mind whirl faraway.

© 2012 Maroon Surreal


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TLK
I like the twinning of 'whistling' and 'whirl' for some assonance+consonance. However, I'm not sure about the use of metonymy (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metonymy -- I have to keep checking when I use the word that it's the word I wanna use, so I have the link to hand (¬_¬)). I think it's a stretch to say that a flowing river is made of 'liquids'.


1) To be correct -- but boring -- you could say 'currents'. I don't like that. Bah.

2) I'm trying to think of something striking about water that we all intimately know is part of water, or is related to water.
a) First thought is 'hydrogen atoms'. That's truly awful.
b) Being poetic, you could say 'flowing ice', I guess.
c) Checking the wikipedia article for water reminds me that one property of water is transparency. "Let the transparency push me away" is... interesting but weird.
d) It is, of course, essential to plants. You could call water 'tree blood', or something similar. That's getting quite ridiculous.

Maybe 'fluids' works, because it brings in consonance with FLowing.

Your poem clearly got me thinking, and I hope my musing on these issues has something useful in it for you. Talking about metonymy is always good!

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

[send message][befriend] Subscribe
TLK
I like the twinning of 'whistling' and 'whirl' for some assonance+consonance. However, I'm not sure about the use of metonymy (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metonymy -- I have to keep checking when I use the word that it's the word I wanna use, so I have the link to hand (¬_¬)). I think it's a stretch to say that a flowing river is made of 'liquids'.


1) To be correct -- but boring -- you could say 'currents'. I don't like that. Bah.

2) I'm trying to think of something striking about water that we all intimately know is part of water, or is related to water.
a) First thought is 'hydrogen atoms'. That's truly awful.
b) Being poetic, you could say 'flowing ice', I guess.
c) Checking the wikipedia article for water reminds me that one property of water is transparency. "Let the transparency push me away" is... interesting but weird.
d) It is, of course, essential to plants. You could call water 'tree blood', or something similar. That's getting quite ridiculous.

Maybe 'fluids' works, because it brings in consonance with FLowing.

Your poem clearly got me thinking, and I hope my musing on these issues has something useful in it for you. Talking about metonymy is always good!

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Short but beautiful........ Great poem.

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Very well written in such a short piece my friend......Whisk

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Maroon Surreal

7 Years Ago

Thanks :)

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3 Reviews
Added on July 16, 2012
Last Updated on July 16, 2012
Tags: flowing, mind, poem, poetry, river, water, wind, writing

Author

Maroon Surreal
Maroon Surreal

About
Candles and fading sheets, I write my heart of bits. I write poems and other short stories. Really short stories. I'm still learning and willing to learn more, read more and write more. I like .. more..

Writing
Drops Drops

A Poem by Maroon Surreal