Un-Starry Night

Love poem

The still night calls out your name,

over the distant hills beneath the moon.

My warm hands touch the damp window, and for a moment I glimpse your face,

soon the mirage goes black as the night.

Tears slowly line my hollow cheeks,

the salt on my skin stings like your pain.

Will you ever be the same?

Reviews

[Jessica{is inspired by ..]

A touching account of wanting to heal pain, your own and the pain of another. It's amazing how something in a person's life can change them so completely, though it is not at all uncommon.

You have really descriptive imagery here. My only suggestion, in the forth line where you say "the mirage goes black like the night" The word "like" seems to break the rythme slightly. I would suggest changing it to "black as the night". It's still a smilie, so you keep the poetic device in there. It's just a slight thing, nothing major, but I feel like it would make it flow a little better. Also I might say "My warm hands touch the damp window and for a moment I glimpse your face" adding in the "and". I would read it outloud to see if you think it fits and if the flow is alright.

I didn't see any gramatical things to fix.

Overall, very good write!

Jess