Nocturnal

Darkness

I hear the swish of her satin skirt

swish, swish, swish.

I hear the clatter of her anklets

clack, clack, clack.

 

"Sam," she says.

swish, swish, clack clatter.

the pad of her bare feet on wooden floors.

"Sam," she says, "are you awake?"

 

"Yes."

 

Her cold fingertips slide across my forehead

gently, affectionately

her fingers travel down to caress my cheek

 

"Sam," she says, "I love you."

There is a pause.

clock ticks.

tick tock tick tock.

"Sam," she says, "do you love me too?"

 

"Of course I do."

She knows I do.

How can I make her sure?

 

By the light of a dim candle she smiles

She seems to fade into the night

like a beautiful shadow

she seems broken

like a beautiful distaster

 

swish swish, clack clatter.

 

the door opens and shuts.

 

"where are you going?"

 

She is gone.

She slides through my fingers like wisps of cigarette smoke

Who is she

really?

Reviews

[tkersh]

Ooh... very nice! Very evocative of setting and we really get a feel for the characters. Lots of nice mysteries and unanswered questions! Two small things break the flow for me: "auburn bangs" (because it's dark so we wouldn't see them, and because they don't move the story). Also "grains of sand" isn't as strong as it could be. What fits for the poem? A trickle of ashes? A mist of tears? ...?

Anyway, great job and keep writing! (I'll see you on NaNo in November!)

[Mockingbird]

like a gothic, dream-like narrative poem. i can hear the sounds which give it an eerie quality as well. great poem.