Here Today, Gone Tomorrow

A short preview of what I hope to create into a book.

 

The fierce rain pounded on her face, but it didn't faze her. Her eyes were shut, unmoving, forever. My heart refused to beat, my eyes refused to blink. I clasped onto her icy, lifeless hand in hopes that she may arise from the dead.
Her Jewish star necklace lied innocently on her chest, unaware of its effect on her death. She was killed because of that star, the star she looked to for hope. The star that got us through everything, now suddenly leaving me alone to continue. I breathed her name over and over in the rain subconsciously; water welled in my eyes, grasping her hand.
Gently, I untied her necklace and put it around my neck, praying as a Jew. Once finished with my prayer, I took out of my pocket a wedding ring, laying it carefully on her cold finger. "I love you," I murmured. "I'm so sorry," I managed through a raspy, hoarse voice.
The hand clenching the necklace turned white with force and my eyes burned, but it didn't matter. My tears came out in choked gasps as I looked at her lifeless body. I rose, taking one last look at her body, soaked and miserable, and left without a glance. I died that day, and my life was never to be the same again.

Author's Note

I would love to hear feedback or criticism.

Reviews

[Olivia Carmine]

First off, this was beautiful. Sad (and I'm not normally a fan of sad, though I seem to review a lot of it!), but beautiful. Secondly, thankyou for actually using the word 'faze' instead of 'phase'. Damn it irritates me when people do that.

~The fierce rain pounded on her face, but it didn't faze her. Her eyes were shut, unmoving, forever. My heart refused to beat, my eyes refused to blink. I clasped onto her icy, lifeless hand in hopes that she may arise from the dead.~

Okay, this is all great, except for the phrase 'clasped onto'. I don't know why, and this may just be a personal quirk, but I don't think it 'clicks' just there. But, hey, what do I know?

~Her Jewish star necklace lied innocently on her chest, unaware of its effect on her death.~

This sentence sounds a) a little convoluted, b) a little vague, and c) a little young. (Plus the word you want is 'lay', not 'lied'. I'd say something like, "The necklace, adorned with the Jewish star, lay innocently on her chest, unaware of the part it had played in her death." Not that that sounds completely right, either, but I'm just pointing you in a different direction. What you do with it is up to you.

I'll elaborate, so you can see what's going on in my head. "Her Jewish star necklace�" is a bit of an infodump AND a mouthful of a phrase at the same time. You're saying the star was on a necklace, it was Jewish (and all the implications that go with that), and it was hers. That's a lot, and it sounds like a young way to put it. If you say "The necklace, adorned with the Jewish star, lay innocently on her chest�", you can accomplish the same amount of meaning with a more subtle (and subtle is always better) and stretched out attempt. Yes, sometimes stretched out is better. This way you're not cramming everything into four little words.

~She was killed because of that star, the star she looked to for hope. The star that got us through everything, now suddenly leaving me alone to continue.~

You've slightly mixed your verb tenses here, but this may or may not be a problem.

~I breathed her name over and over in the rain subconsciously; water welled in my eyes, grasping her hand.~

This makes it sound like the water was grasping her hand. I'd rearrange that sentence just a little if I were you. And you can't breathe subconsciously. I know what you're saying there, but perhaps you could think of a slightly different way to say it? All the same, this is a beautifully-written story.


~Gently, I untied her necklace and put it around my neck, praying as a Jew.~

Hmm. 'Praying as a Jew' could've been worded better. Again, the sentence sounds a little unpolished.

~Once finished with my prayer, I took out of my pocket a wedding ring, laying it carefully on her cold finger. "I love you," I murmured. "I'm so sorry," I managed through a raspy, hoarse voice.~

Okay, two things here:
1)You need new paragraphs everytime a new person speaks.
2) you shouldn't have two dialogue tags in one paragraph ("�I murmured" and "I managed�")

Just wondering why the character is sorry? What part did he play in her death? Did she marry him and become a Jew by association? You might need to show this in a clearer way.

~The hand clenching the necklace turned white with force and my eyes burned, but it didn't matter.~

At the risk of sounding heartless, why should it matter? Nothing is really hurting here-and the eyes burning don't count. If you'd said that the hand was clenched so tight that the necklace was digging into his hand, but it didn't matter, that would've been all right.

~My tears came out in choked gasps as I looked at her lifeless body. I rose, taking one last look at her body, soaked and miserable, and left without a glance. ~

Hmm. Well, tears and gasps are nearly the same, but not quite. I'd fix that first sentence. You could use 'with' instead of 'in'�

You've used the words 'her body' twice and very close together. I'd fix that if I were you. And are you sure that this character would leave without a glance behind? It sounds like the dramatic thing to do, sure, but he doesn't sound like the sort of person who could bear to leave without looking again, and again to me. Then again, it might just be me.

~I died that day, and my life was never to be the same again.~

Beautiful, powerful ending. Loved it. Despite all my criticism, I just want you to know that this was my Grumpy Nitpicky Pedantic Editor reading, not my Rainbows and Ponies Reader reading. So don't feel bad or anything, because this piece really carries emotion and meaning. Well done.

[Initium]

I really like this. I feel a World War II vibe, and I'm probably right. I love war stories/poems/ANYTHING! Thanks for writing this.

[unspokenguilt]

This was sad, but i liked it...Great imagery!
:)elyssa