A half closed door

I wasn't sure what category to choose, I'd class it as autobiographical/philosophical.

I watch you and listen to your quietness

detached

as only a person who truly loves another can be.

Is this the only way to cope

with the start

of a death?

 

Your illness
was a blip
on the radar of health

yet there will be another

and another

another.

The subtle warning signs I'm trying to ignore

will become flashing neon lights

of panic

until one day I see your empty shoes on the threshold

and I will close the door

for the last time.

 

Now

you sit now at my side

tapping your foot,

one undone button spoiling the perfection of your smart outfit

with a slight frown you contemplate

the burn on your arm

trapped, after the stroke took you falling into blackness.

Unnoticed,I spill wine

blood red

on a colourless carpet

 

Later

I fold your dress carefully,

whisper goodnight through a half closed door,

escape outside to breathe dark air.

I count stars

have recently started conversations with God, Jesus, anyone

who will listen

 

Tomorrow

I take you for a walk, again

make your breakfast, again

wonder how many more agains there will be

for you

and for me

 

Reviews

[Roland Petrov]

I'm currently working for a client who has ALS, and I know his partner has had thoughts just like your poem; in fact, I have too. I also have a father at home with dementia. I always "wonder how many more agains there will be". While I haven't started conversations with imaginary friends, I do tend to talk to myself and my natural environment. One of the last things I posted on Jottify was a song lyric called Why We Wave Goodbye; your poem states one of the reasons. I wish you the best though one must be prepared for the worst.

[MetalLadybird]

Thank you , Roland and sorry for this very late reply. I remember your poem and prose about your father, they were very moving and hope you will post them up on here again. Your dad cutting down the shade that I found particularly poignant,it was a really, really good piece of writing, not sentimental but it went straight to the heart :)

[Roland Petrov]

Thanks so much, ML. I hadn't thought about posting that piece here, but now I will.

[Pete]

Very real, honest, heartfelt and sad. Cling to your faith. Nice job.

[MetalLadybird]

Thank you for your lovely comment, Pete.

[Roses]

Very heartfelt and gentle. I understand that quiet, that strange peacefulness that is at odds with what is happening, as well escaping outside to talk to the open air. All my love. x

[MetalLadybird]

I am so sorry, Roses, I didn't see your comment until today ,so thank you, as always, for a thoughtful and insightful comment. My mum was a quiet person and the quiet also represented the calm before the storm, which i must have known was coming, as she had another, much worse stroke in June last year and sadly passed away in April this year. Reading the comments and sharing this poem has been therapeutic.

[justa335]

Too close for comfort. Like Roland, I know what you are going through. Poignant without needless mush.

[MetalLadybird]

Hi Justa, I am not sure how I missed your comment, I also did not see Roses comment until today, so thank you and I'm sorry to hear you are going through the same experience. You' ll see from my comment to Roses that my mum sadly passed away in April this year and I'm still coming to terms with that and have found it comforting to find your comment here.

[Suzy Hazelwood]

This is absolutely brilliant Ladybird!! There's not a line I didn't feel very deeply in this deep and thoughtful poem. Relate to this very much.

Neither one of my parents had dementia, but their personalities altered greatly as their illness took over and they faded into death, and it was a mind altering experience for me too. It became one of reasons that made me take my writing more seriously.

Odd how traumatic experiences can cause us to create some wonderful work. In this I see the sadness, but I also see a remarkable poem, and one that many suffering this will totally relate to. Beautiful work!

And please have some very big virtual hugs from a girl who understands. :o)

[MetalLadybird]

Sorry for this late reply Suzy and thank you for your thoughtful comment, I know exactly what you mean about the personality change, it is very distressing. And thank you for the virtual hugs, I need some of those ! :)