Dear Landlord

A Story by Mikey

A letter to her landlord

Dear Landlord,

Your name escapes me, but in my defense, I’ve had so many landlords you all run together. I received the letter you taped to my front door. A letter belongs in an envelope, just like the one you are reading right now. I had the decency to put this in an envelope and place it in your mail box. Based on your degenerate action, one can only assume you’re not quite ‘top shelf’ and therefore I must refrain from using my extensive vocabulary. I will simplify myself so you are better to understand my position.

In the letter, you state I have 30 days to vacate the premises. I disagree with this. I’m giving myself 45 days. I have much too many things to just pack up in leave in that short amount of time. I live here. How dare you? The rent was not paid this month, not that it’s any of your business, because I was 40 dollars short on my paycheck. I missed 2 hours of work because I had a twilight showing of ‘Jack Reacher’ I had to get to. Since I was already 40 dollars off I just assumed I’d pay you when I had the full amount on my next paycheck.

I took some friends out to dinner, bought a new pair of shoes and went on a short excursion to Chicago. You knew I went to Chicago so it should have been no surprise to you when I was also short on my second paycheck. I missed a week’s worth of work while dining in the windy city. Do you know why it’s called the ‘Windy city’? I’m sure you think it’s because Chicago is windy, but that’s a common misconception. You would probably know that if you actually read anything other than the packaging of the toilet paper. Not that I’m judging you, I know some people can’t comprehend what they’re reading.

I noticed you brought up the events which led to the violence of last week. A bludgeoned eye is a hardly a riot. While I do regret that insignificant incident, my Breakfast at Tiffany’s Party was a big hit. Everybody on the third floor said so. The second floor is filled with geriatric paupers, of course they would complain about the noise. They weren’t invited for obvious reasons and they should be the ones receiving letters on the door.

Now in 45 days I will be out of here and on to fabulous things, I sincerely hope you think about what a wonderful tenant you just lost.

Fond Thoughts

Dorothy Dattles

© 2018 Mikey

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Reviews

KeeD

Dear Dorothy,

Well Played.

(This was really a witty and empowering read for me this morning, kudos. Looking forward to more adventures and tales from the new apartment)