Baal Teshuva gone bad

The Yetzer Hara and I have a new relationship. We keep circling each other like two angry lovers. Don’t get me wrong, I love the attention. Especially when it makes me feel so fiery and alive.

I was mostly asleep before. There wasn’t really much conflict, nothing pulling me down.  I was striving to be better than how I started, better than the people whom I had known. I recognized that where I came from was a religious vacuum, stagnant, rancid. Not because of the lack of mitzvos like kashrut and Shabbos. It just simply lacked love, unconditional love, and connection to God.

On my search for something better, I threw both arms around religious Judaism. It was a mission " something profound that I discovered and wanted more of. In my soul of souls, I recognized it for its truth. But my motivation for pursuing it was selfish. Choosing frumkeit was rebellion. I chased after it, and it eluded me.

Until now. It’s here in all its glory. No one can deny that I play this role impeccably. No one would know I didn’t grow up in this life. And now that I’ve acquired the prize, reached the goal, it’s no longer exciting.  And that’s where the real challenge sets in. Just as I stopped chasing after the mitzvahs, as I started to pull back, Yetzer Hara filled in the gap.

Now suddenly I am aware of the rhythm -- each motion, each thought, each word. Everything, every single moment, falls into one of two categories: good or not good. Light or darkness. I feel the pull with each breath I take, in and out. With each piece of food I put into my mouth. Each word I speak or write. Each despicable, wasted moment.  And I feel it physically.

I am lost in this tangled mess of choices.

But I should push through it. I want to smile when I feel like scowling. I want to love when I’m filled with hate.  But the pull is so powerful. It grabs me and squeezes me like an old friend. There is comfort in the discomfort. It’s like going home.

How do I find a new home? A place where the Yetzer Hara won’t find me? Maybe I don’t.

Hashem creates the solution before he creates the problem. He created the evil and the good.  I love and hate them both.

The Yetzer Hara fuels my passion. It keeps me from being satisfied, it keeps me searching. The Yetzer Tov is getting stronger too. When I feel the pull " to be lazy, to give in to impulse " I can recognize it for what it and choose to overcome it.  Or not.

I stumble again and again. And some days I fall so hard that I think it may damage the entire world.  But some days, SOME DAYS, I climb so high that I think it may save the entire world. This is the dance. It’s amazing and exciting and painfully perfect. Baruch Hashem, blessed is God, the giver of souls. The giver of choices. The giver of salvation.