mom

Mom

Im realy not happy.  And I honestly haven’t been happy for a while now. I know youll never read this because il never send it. Today I came home and I cried because I want to die but I cant kill myself. I would never do that to you. Im just not happy tho and I feel like im losing my mind because idk what to do to start or how to fix it. Mom I don’t even know the root of my complete unhappiness. I just know tht im not ok. Im always in a panic feeling like im alone, always hiding from the world, afraid to a degree. Mom I don’t know what im doing anymore, and maybe that’s the issue I have no clue. I hate being depressed and I want I to stop but I really don’t know how an I know u don’t like talking about my depression much but im really a mess in this world. Sometimes I feel like im losing myself more and more everyday and it scares me. When I was younger I just knew I wanted to be an artist. Now I don’t know what I want anymore. Most days I don’t eve want to live and I cry at times because I know I cant kill myself. Im not brave enough, not selfish enough. But im tired of crying all the time. Im tired of always feeling like I made another wrong turn. Im really hurt. I have a  broken heart, im scared to ever fully love again and I hate being alone but I also hate being at my job. I just want to die I don’t know what to do anymore to stop the pain. Nothing helps. Weed, alcohol, nothing. Ive become the woman that depends on the glass of wine at night after an extremely long day or else ill kill someone, or me, or maybe my cat if he doesn’t stop crying I have no idea. I just want it all to stop. Im sick of it all, this materialistic society, this life, all this bs that doesn’t even mater. If it was up to me I would live on an island somewhere. Im just tired of cryng all the time. I feel empty, lost n defeated.