Mike Pence Questions His Dog's Sexuality

Mike Pence suffers as he wonders if his dog is gay.

Mike Pence Questions His Dog's Sexuality

Mike Pence got Harley, an Australian Sheppard puppy, after his beloved cat Oreo died last June. Harley immediately filled the void left by Oreo and made Mr. Pence's job as Vice President much easier. No longer incapacitated by grief, Mr. Pence was once again able to faithfully discharge his duties as Vice President of the United States. But Oreo was never forgotten or replaced. He remained a beloved memory while Harley created an entirely new space in the heart of Mr. Pence.

Harley quickly grew from a clumsy puppy to vigorous and mischievous young dog. And, shortly past Christmas, he began to mature into a faithful and reserved adult dog. He had every advantage growing up. The best trainers, the best food, professional dog walkers who never allowed him to get bored and a large array of dog toys. Plus, the huge, fenced White House lawn where he could run and crap at will. With a competent staff to follow him and clean up.

Mike Pence was satisfied that Harley had been well socialized with humans, but he worried that Harley had never spent a lot of time around other dogs. He feared that this might somehow handicap his development.

To rectify this situation, Mr. Pence started requesting that the dignitaries he met with bring their dogs to the meeting. So that they could be released onto the White House lawn to romp with Harley while the men talked. Harley loved this, and sometimes there were as many as ten other dogs running and barking with Harley.

The problem began one morning when Pence was meeting with a group of twelve European foreign ministers and they took a coffee break. Mr. Pence, wishing time to think, had wandered down to one of the White House first floor windows. A place where he could watch the other European dogs romping with Harley. But he then saw something that greatly disturbed him. While the dogs were romping and playing, Harley suddenly mounted another dog, a big brown boxer belonging to the French Minister, and seemed to try to have sex with it.

Not waiting for the meeting to begin, he hunted down the French minister and confronted him.

“Do you own that big, brown boxer out on the White House lawn?” Mr. Pence demanded.

“Oui Monsieur”, replied the French Minister.

“Is it male or female?”

“He is male Monsieur. A big, strong male.”

Mike Pence was horrified, but he tried to hide this from the minister.

“Has he ever acted, uh, funny? You know, with other dogs?”

“I do not understand Monsieur. What is funny?”

“Effeminate. You know, limp paws and such.”

“Monsieur, you are asking if my Boxie is queer?”

“Uh, of course not Mr. Minister. I was just thinking what a fine dog his is.”

“Yes, he is fine dog. And he is not homosexual dog. OK?”

“Of course Mr. Minister.”

But Mr. Pence was not mollified. He knew what he had seen, but perhaps he hadn't seen everything. Perhaps there was some sort of dog game going on that he didn't understand, and which only looked like attempted sex. Out of fear of insulting his dog, he decided to simply wait and watch.

But the uncertainty began to weigh on Mr. Pence. It began to interfere with his work in the same way the death of Oreo did. Mr. Pence was torn inside, craving an answer. And then, the horrible answer came.

Mr. Pence was meeting with a representative of the California wine industry in his office. Wine, not beer or whiskey. A suspiciously thin, well dressed and coiffed gentleman hailing from San Francisco. One who opened the discussion with some knowledgeable comments on the art on Mr. Pence's office walls. Pences's gaydar went off scale.

To Mike Pence's horror, Harley got up off the couch, crossed the room and began to casually hump the visitors leg. The gay guy's leg!

“Harley, stop that!” Mr. Pence shouted.

Harley slunk off, guilt literally radiating from him. The visitor forced an embarrassed smile.

“Dogs will be dogs”, he said. Pence was not amused.

That evening Mike Pence observed Harley very closely. He tried to ascertain if Harley minced when he walked, but this was difficult. Sometimes he thought he saw it and sometimes he was sure he didn't. He decided that he was just to close and involved. He needed outside help. Consulting his phone, he saw that there were, in fact, dog psychologists in the district. The next morning, he booked an emergency appointment.

He arrived at the office of Doctor Poindexter, Doctor of Psychology and Veterinary Science, at 2:00 PM sharp the following afternoon.

Seated in the conference room, Dr. Poindexter began, “What seems to be the problem Mr. Pence?”

Mike Pence looked down at Harley and rolled his eyes.

“I understand Mr. Pence. Harley, come with me, I have some great toys to show you.”

Returning to the conference room, Dr. Poindexter said, “We can now speak freely”.

“Doc, I love Harley, but, but to be blunt, I think he's gay.”

“And why do you think that Mr. Pence?”

Mike Pence related the two incidents.

“Hummm, the Doctor replied. That is strong evidence. But determining the sexuality of a dog is not as easy as with a person. A dog can't just come out. He can't tell you what he is.”

“Then how would I know?” Mr. Pence asked.

“I said it was hard to determine, but not impossible”, the doctor replied, “It requires many tests and it's quite an expensive process.”

“Money is no object”, replied Mr. Pence.

After writing a rather large check, Mr. Pence left Harley in the care of Dr. Poindexter for the next three days.

Three days later, a second meeting was held where the test results were discussed.

“We first placed Harley in a room with a female dog who was, ahem, in a certain state. Harley was very interested and we found this encouraging. But we then placed him in a room with several male dogs, and after romping with them for several minutes, he humped one of the male dogs. And several of the male dogs humped him. Finally, while in the waiting area, waiting for his keeper to come and get him, he humped an ottoman.”

“But what does this mean?” Mike Pence asked.

“Your dog isn't gay per se”, the doctor answered, “He's what we call “Tri-Sexual”, meaning that he is attracted to female dogs, male dogs and furniture.”

“Can it be cured?”

“There is no clear answer on that”, the doctor replied. “We can try a conversion therapy, but there is no guarantee that it will work. And it's expensive.”

“How does it work?” Mike Pence asked.

“We get hundred or so dogs in heat from the pound and put them in a room with your dog. Hopefully, after that. Your dog forgets about male dogs and pieces of furniture.”

“Let's do it”, said Mike, withdrawing his checkbook.

A week later Mike Pence returned to pick up Harley. On the way home he was greatly cheered by the fact that his dog didn't look gay. In the living room that evening he relaxed. Harley seemed to be OK and peacefully sleeping in front of the fire.

All seemed well until Pence's new cat Pickle entered the room and Harley attempted to hump him.

Reviews

[Samuel Dickens]

Ha-ha! Now the cat... oh, nooooo! Poor homophobic Pence just can't get a break. (does he even deserve one?) Anyone who knows dogs are aware of their frequent non-human behaviors. Harley having fun with the other dogs reminded me of something I heard while in the Navy. More than one person told me that pulling liberty in Australia was awesome because the woman just loved us horny American swabbies. The Australian men, they said, only cared about getting drunk and fighting. Alas, I never got to go there, but sure wanted to. I wonder how Pence would've done in the Navy with all our rough and rowdy ways?
This is some excellent writing that I fear many here are too afraid to review. Too bad, because it's a very imaginative and entertaining tale.

[Miss Fedelm]

Thanks. Can't remember exactly why I wrote this. I think just to make people laugh at Pence.

[Vivian Fisk]

Omigod, did I laugh!!!!!!!!! I'm still laughing...

Did you ever see the episode of South Park where Cartman is trying to teach his dog not to be gay? He says, "Sit, Sparky!" Sparky sits. Then he says, "Sparky, roll over!" and Sparky rolls over. Then he says, "Sparky! Don't be gay!"

[Miss Fedelm]

Thanks. They whole point of this was to make people laugh ... at Mike Pence.

[bob, small b. aka invs]

i enjoyed this. i enjoy pretty much anything that mocks pence, but this was done with such done especially well. very creative and indirect. i'm more of the direct "mike pence is a homophobic a*****e" type. anyway, i was impressed. now i'm off to read more of your writing.

[Miss Fedelm]

Thanks. All of my Trump stories are basically to make people laugh. I link to them on the Washington Post for the people in the comment section. Makes the normal people laugh and drives the trolls crazy.