Jesus v. Achilles

Jesus v. Achilles

A Story by Montag

a 400 meter race between Jesus and Achilles


400 Meter Final: Jesus v. Achilles


-Welcome to the viewers just joining us.  We’re about to see a 400 meter final unlike any other.  A mere two contestants, but what contestants they are: in Lane 1 the Greek war hero and demi-god Achilles.  Look at that powerful build, that proud sneer.  And Lane 2, now stepping out of His sweats, Jesus of Nazareth. 

Fleet-footed Achilles, the pagan with godlike strength and speed.  As for Jesus, there’s nothing god ‘like’ about Him.  His supporters quite literally believe He is God in some Trinitarian way that’s never been adequately explained, at least so I or the folks watching at home can understand it. 

Now you might think this won’t be a contest since, as fast as Achilles is reputed to be, Jesus is miraculous!  How can He possibly lose, Carl Lewis?

Carl:  Don’t forget Christ was once arrested, tried and crucified.  So He doesn’t always prevail in a temporal sense.  He may even have a divine plan to lose, to more readily gain followers among the disinherited of the earth.  We’ll just have to wait and see.

-The runners are in their blocks.  The starter’s gun is up. (bang!)  As expected, Achilles is out fast, looking strong.  Christ trailing, bearded, effortless stride, almost too effortless.  Into the back stretch and Achilles holding steady, and if you’re wondering at home, yes this is a world-record pace.

Carl:  Achilles is not shy about wanting to be the fastest of all time.  And he seems acutely aware that, despite his mythical fame, most of our viewers have no idea who he is.

-Approaching the final curve.  Christ moving up, now perched on Achilles’ outside shoulder.   Achilles fighting him off like the valiant warrior he is--but Christ bursts ahead!  Long hair flowing, prophet’s robes or whatever they are, snapping in the breeze!  And it’s just a thing of beauty, Christ in complete control in the final straightaway, high knees, all memories of His crucifixion now vanquished.  The years of anonymity as a carpenter or whatever the heck He was doing until He turned 30, the rehab in the wilderness fighting temptation, the ACL tear when He kicked the money changers out of the temple, all that’s behind Him now.  He breaks the tape!  It’s redemption for Christ and a world record!  Someone’s thrust a miniature American flag into His hand and I don’t know if He asked for it but He’s not letting it go! 

Carl, I see Jesus is being mobbed by the media.  What about Achilles?  Are you able to speak with him?

Carl:  Achilles is apparently sulking in his tent and the only one allowed in there with him is his, ahem, friend Patroclus. 

-What about Christ?  I know our viewers would love to hear from Him.

Carl:  Jesus spoke briefly with a Newsmax reporter, then rose into the sky through a gap in the clouds and disappeared.  But He may return one day.

-A fittingly enigmatic end to this unique sporting event.  We’ll take a quick commercial break, then it’s the women’s pole vault final between Joan of Arc and Hillary Clinton.  You won’t want to miss that. 

© 2021 Montag

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Your rich fantasy life produced a very clever competition. I think you made it believable and described it so we could actually visualize it. Good work!

Posted 1 Month Ago

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Added on June 11, 2021
Last Updated on June 29, 2021
Tags: humor, satire