Soldier of the Year: Donald Trump

Soldier of the Year

 

-Folks, we’re here at the Soldier of the Year award ceremony.  The odds-on favorite to win is John McCain, a POW for five years who--get this--refused an early release unless other prisoners got one too.  Who can beat a story like that?

 

They’re announcing the winner and--it’s--it’s--it’s--Donald Trump!?  Donald Trump is Soldier of the Year!?  He wasn’t even a soldier!

Mr. Trump!  Mr. Trump!  How do you explain winning this title?

Trump: The judges understand what a fantastic job I would have done if I had been a soldier.  A lot of soldiers are saying I’m the greatest soldier never to have been a soldier in the history of this country’s soldiers.  And non-soldiers.

       

-North Vietnam offered McCain an early release but he refused unless other prisoners got one.  Is that something you would have done?

Trump: I would never have released McCain unless I got something huge in return. 

-I meant if you were McCain.

Trump: What, sacrifice myself?  Do I look like Jesus to you?  Like I should be hanging on a cross in nothing but a loincloth….

-God!  No!!

Trump:….like some loser the Romans got over on?  First, I would never get shot down….

-The bone spurs.

Trump:  Exactly.  My Achilles heel.  Incidentally an underrated biblical character.  But look, my foursome’s about to tee off.  Can I just remind viewers to watch for my new show on Vice TV?  It’s called ‘Capture the Congressman.’  It’s a reality show.  I think.  Maybe, maybe not.  We’ll see what happens.