Gone

Ambitions that blind us.
The scars that drive us.
And the hate we've endured.
Cut deep, but still breathing.
We continue on, unsure of what will come. Arcane paths taken by few.
The trees are bold and beautiful.
Pitch black, yet the outlines of your lips pierce me. "Guide me. Take me away. Do with me as you please, for I have given up. This world has no need for me."
You approach me ever so silently. Ever so beautifully. I shudder instinctively. Your voice echoes as if on a hillside.
You kiss me. And I experience death a thousand times.

Reviews

[SmittyJas]

great language with deep meanings you're losing your grip here in this poem can he still save you for yourself and not let you drown in your sorrows. Love can concur all May you find it before you fall.

[J. K. Beach]

Hello Morrrissy,

Nice crisp clear images! The last line works really well with all that proceeds it and punctuates your thoughts perfectly.

One minor thing bothers me though-- The first four lines create a crisp, almost staccato, series of thoughts. Then you have several lines that are much, much longer, even though the thoughts/sentences are still pretty compact.

I think things might flow smoother if the long lines could be broken into smaller chunks. These chunks would reinforce the pattern you have already set up, creating a light framework for your thoughts. There's always times when you might want to mix short and long lines for interest or contrast, but I think your carefully crafted words have no need for such artifice.

For example, to make the last lines have even more punch you could use a line break to isolate the kiss from the little deaths (maybe even ditch the period or possibly add an em dash).

"You kiss me—
And I experience death a thousand times." [such a great line]

or elsewhere--possibly:

"Pitch black (surrounds us),
Yet the outlines of your lips
Pierce me... guide me.
Take me away.
Do with me as you please, for I have given up.
This world has no need for me."

Just a few thoughts to try on for size... the long lines did not seem to have a particular purpose or strength. If they do not, then maybe revise for greatest impact. Your concept and great wordplay deserve it, I think.

JKB

[Morrissey]

Thank you very much Mr.Beach :)
I know Im young and I still have a lot of learning thing to do about literature. And having someone like you (who I assume has years of experience on under his belt) critique my writing. It's an honor man :) I also want to thank you for being so humble and kind about your useful criticism.
Oh! And thank you a million times for taking time to write such a helpful review :) I feel like that means you see some potential in me haha

[J. K. Beach]

I had an excellent teacher/friend who reviewed my first youthful scribblings with wit, grace, and a good eye for both concept and detail. I was maybe fourteen or so. I am only paying that kindness forward, whatever the worth may be to you or anyone.

I love a good idea, but ideas are a dime a dozen and useless if they can't be communicated effectively. I thought you had had a good idea that just needed reinforcing a bit to make it say what it really needs to say.

You can take a look at some of my stuff here at the WC, but to get better you actually want to read as much as you can of a lot of different writers and styles (and if you do that reading here, always leave at least a short review and hopefully it will be returned in kind).

I've been writing for a good while, but I'm new here just as you are, but you might try poking around my "friend's list and look for those who have numerous badges and a good number of poems or stories. Badges aren't magical, just a quick way to judge who might have had some success at the craft. Then look at there friends lists to find even more if you like.

Good luck...

[Morrissey]

Thank you, sir. Your words are very much appreciated.

[wildn0226]

Morrissey, very well written, I feel your words, they move me. I look forward to reading your other writings!!!!

[Brandon Barker]

I love the way you perfectly set your words, it flows as perfect as water, it speaks a lifetime of emotion in an iota of time, breathtaking!