Untitled

This was written for an English Two Honors project this year. The project was to make an introduction for a story, but I think it's a good story in itself.

The chilled wind makes the chipped door creak open. The carpet feels like steel wool. Dust fills the air; dust so think it is impossible to see four feet in front of you. A fan hangs by several tangled wires. It rotates at an inconsistent beat. The sheet-rock wall in the left corner is charred. All the rest are white. Blank. Crusty papers are strewn about the bedroom. A rat scuttles across the floor. Jerald has trouble breathing. He lies on his blood stained bed. The down comforter and sheets have fallen off the edge of the bed. Jerald’s arms are too heavy for him to lift them. He attempts his homework but the pen ink has exploded everywhere. It drips at a slow even pace. It stains the carpet so black it looks like space. The telephone rings. The ringing drowns out any other noises. He doesn’t answer. It rings again. He answers. He does not speak. Click. The phone has been hung up. Jerald stands; his dry are feet barren and dry. The blood rushes through his veins and arteries. Jerald reaches down. He comes up with his red bandana and his nine millimeter pistol. His ride awaits.

Reviews

[RosylnPeaches]

Description is very percise and makes fantastic visual so its very good setting and imagery wise.
The only thing is I dont understand "his dry are feet barren and dry." did you mean to say it like this or is it a mistake>? but the last lines make up for it , it's an intense piece I'd love to see more of it.

[Mr.Nick]

Thank you for catching that, Roslyn. I did not mean to say that.

[Prateeksha Khot]

The story was pretty interesting. Only thing is reading is a bit of a strain reading it at such a small font. You should increase the font size and spacing.

Nice work.