There You Are

There you are

You, whose soft lips forced a smile when I smiled so sincerely,

You, who didn't push me away but rather, shoved me with the cold shoulder I had grown to lean on.

You, who had accepted my heart with open arms but closed fists,.

You, who drove me to the brink of madness but then had the audacity to make me question my own sanity,

You, who tied the laces of the size 5's I paid for, left a size 15 boot print on my chest where my self-respect once was and screamed without saying a god damn word from those soft lips.

This!

Is!

Not working...

And I see that now.

It was irrational for me to dream of building something when I was negotiating with dynamite.

I guess that’s why they're called dreams.

Now, here I am, your picture in my wallet, my picture in your past.

Me, anxiety breathing down my neck as it whispers 'man up',

Me, lost, melting in the toxicity of your eyes until i felt worthless when I looked into my own,

Me, constantly tripping over myself, not because you blinded my sight but because I had rather wallow in a rain of self-pity then even bother trying to open up an umbrella and keep moving.

Me, finally stopping myself and asking, 'Why am I the one grieving, when you're the one who gave up?'

I may be weak, broken even.

But I still dream that maybe one day

me, who now wears your forced smile, smiles sincerely once more at the pieces you so willingly dropped,

And you, in some bullshit other place, realising that maybe you were right when you took my hand for the last time and from those soft lips whispered

'It’s not you, it’s me'

Reviews

[MomzillaNC]

An expression of the pain, the loss, the feeling diminished… then recognizing your own worth again on the horizon and finally moving back toward that shore. I love the way this poem evolved.