A message to the baby I lost

A short piece on the internal battles of pregnancy and termination.

It’s Wednesday and it’s 3am. I’m sat here wide-awake thinking of you. I haven’t stopped thinking about you since we found out. And the emotions I’ve felt over the last few weeks have been crazy. I’ve felt scared, upset, sad, worried, overwhelmed, love, attachment, shock and now I’m sat here, thinking about what you would’ve been like. Which features you would’ve had that would’ve been mine, whether you would’ve looked like me or sounded like me or been like me. And it breaks my heart that I’ll never know. It’s so strange how you can love something you’ve never seen or felt, just knowing that you existed was enough. Its strange too how, sometimes, love isn’t enough and I’m so sorry that mine wasn’t and that I couldn’t be the mum that I wanted to be for you. I know you were so small, barely an inch big and I’m writing as if you would’ve had any idea about anything. But that doesn’t make it any easier to let you go and try and move on with life. You were still my baby. And you still grew inside my body, I still made what was of you and you put me through every symptom under the sun to make sure I knew you were there! Nothing about this has been easy and just because the decision was made, does not mean it was an easy one to make nor one that I wanted in my heart. It is the only time I have ever chosen my head over my heart and it was because I knew you deserved a better life than I could give you, despite my heart wanting to try all its might to give it to you. Others may think I’m crazy for feeling this way, I think they’re crazy for not understanding my upset. For such a small, tiny thing you have caused such a huge impact on me and I will never forget you.