Oasis

Let's slow dance tonight
like you're not leaving
tomorrow morning....
Leaving so early that
there will be no time for
you to read about the
wretched pain written
across my cheeks.

Let's kiss tonight,
like wine slowly
warming your belly,
like flashes of lightning
burning across the sky
Let's kiss tonight like its
not the last time.

Look at me
once more
My dearest,
like you are
not scared
and let me
bask in
your touch;

Let me drown
my love and sorrows
in your embrace and
make me forget how
I'll always wake up alone
without you by my side.

Reviews

[....................]

The oasis that is love to be left in a memory when a loved one leaves for good... the slow, lingering feel of this poem is fantastic and the undercurrents of sadness are washed with calming words... I imagine this is how my father felt when watching my mother's life slip away, longing for that last dance, kiss, touch... this is beautiful poetry... great job

[Andrew Rayne]

Out of the three works you have here, I think this is my favorite. So I will critique this one.

First let me start off by praising the imagery and captivating diction you have. The wordplay of this piece was by far, beautifully executed. You got that feeling of nostalgia, which is exactly what you would want from work like this. It is very hard to convey more than just, subtle signs of what love is through words alone. Especially when it is heartbroken or rain riddled love. Now on to critique I have. I must point out that I am not expert writer, so these are only my opinions as a peer.

The only real critique that strikes out at me is the structure. That actual layout of the piece makes it hard to capture the flow of the poem. Even with and without the punctuation, your lines are so boldly placed that you lose where I believe the pauses and beats are suppose to be. For this reason, some of your more powerful lines are lost because the beats are misinterpreted instead of rolling off the tongue and leaving us thinking, "Wow, I like that."

Other than that, I think only minor punctuation marks here and there to really identify where your beats and breaks are should about wrap up my critique for this poem. All in all, it was a really strong poem with a lot of emotion tied into what is actually only a few sentences. Don't feel like your work has to "look" elongated to be taken seriously. Some of the worlds greatest poets have masterpieces on sticky notes.

[mattavelli]

This is lovely. What's he afraid of?

[Kshitij Srivastava]

Sad and emotive..not only the writing but also the feel of it. I also found the title 'oasis' very well written. ☺

[andrew mitchell]

Wow your oasis is poetically stunning and beautiful. Amazing! Love it!