The Cycle

A girl thinks about herself, her actions, and the cycle of her darkness.

I feel it returning-

the dark feelings that which I hate.

It is a regular occurrence, but this time-

this time-

it's different.

It seems it's here to stay.

And I can't help but hide it-

because that's all I've learned to do.

Even from you.

Because I know I'm lying to myself. 

I like you.

But I suppress it because I don't deserve love-

I don't believe in it...

and I also adhere to rules, unlike you.

I try to be compassionate, unlike you.

I try to keep a good reputation, unlike you.

I've grown up in a very religious household- unlike you.

So why is it the darkness has returned?

Why haven't I healed?

I want to choose what is right but I no longer trust myself.

I don't trust myself to make the right decision and

I don't trust myself to even choose.

For all I know, I could be a figment of my own imagination,

and you nothing but a speck of dust.

The darkness is calling,

and I am not refusing. 

It doesn't help that our situation is exactly opposite

than what I had wanted.

It doesn't help that you like me and I like you-

but am unable to break the rules just for the both of us.

Because no matter what, I know my decision will hurt my heart,

and hurt yours.

But I will break if I don't try. 

So even though I don't trust myself;

even though I'm lying to everyone;

even though I am held by the darkness,

I will try.

Because I want this endless cycle of the darkness to change.

Author's Note

Currently unedited.