The art of breaking up

A Story by Naomi Bianca

Four years it’s been in the making. Ask anyone who’s close to me and they will scream out YES even before you finished formulating the right words out of your mouth. Was it doomed from the start you ask? Why yes, my dear, why yes. After four years of weekly fights and bimonthly break ups, I’ve come to one conclusion: Man do I suck at break ups. Did I miss class that day? Or lost my class notes somewhere in my bag? Whatever the reason I now consider myself quite an expert of non-break ups. Now don’t confuse “non break ups” with “stable relationship” cause they are worlds apart. My definition of a non break up expert is the following: someone who continuously breaks up with one single person but who cannot withstand the full extent of the action, therefore tries to repair the obviously broken relationship over and over.
There it is. My raison d’être for the past four years and boy has it been memorable to say the least.
I was in an emotional abusive relationship. There I said it. This will be the darkest life lesson I’ll write but it has to happen. For the past four years of my life, I’ve romanticized this person, thinking this love was real, that our love was true, that it was just the circumstances which made us unworkable. I was wrong.
Hard truths. That’s what people are the most scared of. My best friend confessed today that she was truly scared for me, scared that one day he would actually lay a hand on me. His moods were so violent, I was unfazed by him breaking plates, kicking furniture, punching walls resulting in bloody knuckles. I often believed that he was right, I was the reason he was acting so crazy. If only I had acted differently, if only I would of said things differently.
An emotional abusive relationship should only leave invisible scars, but for me it was different. The person I loved the most, the person I referred to as my soulmate, the love of my life led me to self-mutilation.
Self-mutilation in itself is a really serious problem, and was more or less a serious problem when I was younger, I have since then stopped. For someone to bring this out of me again, means this person pushed me to an extreme where the only option of release I could relate to was physical pain. The amount of scars I have because of this relationship, I will never divulge but needs only to be a reminder of the scars I have to nurse inside.
I also had no privacy, on a regular basis he would go through my computer, through my pictures, my Facebook messages, emails and even my diary. He would admit he was wrong but would of course tell me I had pushed him to do it and after a big fight, I would just accept it and move on. I don’t wish this kind of violation on any one.
Acknowledging that I’ve given up four years of my life to someone who not only didn’t love me in any of the right ways but has actually mistreated me and have called me names like idiot, b***h and monster and even told me to “go die c**t”, might be my biggest obstacle I have to surpass. Acknowledging this means I am finally ready to own up to the fact that I have let myself be treated this way. I have burst the bubble, the emotions I have for him are no longer good. The poison he slowly seeped into me for nearly four years is now out.
The expert in breaking up has finally given up her throne