Just need to share

Just something I needed to get off my chest.

  I'm sharing this story in hope that others wont make the same mistakes I have.  I met this girl  she was the Best thing to ever happen to me. I was younger and dumb, sober for the first time in my life liveing on my own.  I worked as a server just trying to get my life together.  I kinda always had this thing for her but not enough courage to really do anything.  But eventually we started dating.  It was amazing I was going to love this girl. I still remember the first time I said it it slipped out accidentally when she helped me a bit at work.  I immediately recovered and made up some silly excuse as to why I just blurted it out. That's the kinda thing this was. A lot happened in the four years we where dating she was already diabetic with and heart condition.  About a year in she  had a mental breakdown and I had to submit her into a mental hospital she was diagnosed with Schizoaffective disorder. Meaning that under large volumes of stress she would hear voices and hallucinate. This was a big blow I didn’t really know how to handle this so I started using again. Never really stopping for about 2 years all of this time we where still together trying to survive. Our love always got us through the hard time always being there for each other.  

 

 

 

  More on her part then mine we where both sick but as sick as she was she always cared. Would stay up late when I went out. Always forgiving me when I spent the months rent on drugs I was pretty worthless but she stayed by my side.  This still led to me getting a DWI and having to move back home with my parents.  I was drinking all this time trying to hide it. But I still found some way to save some money up and get a engagement ring. I wanted to be more stable before I popped the question,  but this is where I made the biggest mistake of my life.  I got drunk one night, and thought that I would be better off alone.  I picked a fight and told her pretty much that I didn’t want to be together anymore.  We didn’t talk for 2 days. I'm at work when my boss comes over and says im going home. I couldn’t figure out why but I said ok.  I found out that she had gone to bed without testing her blood sugar . She had passed away I couldn’t believe it I broke down when I got home I ran upstairs hoping it was all a dream wanting her to be on that bed so bad. I will never forgive myself, her blood is on my hands maybe someday I will move on but for today I just needed to share.