Reprimand

Written 9.26.13

When you reprimand me

For doing something silly or annoying

The reason I’m quiet

Is because my thoughts

Are rampaging

 

“Not good enough”

“Unacceptable”

“Worthless”

“Fat”

“Useless”

“Broken”

“Failure”

“Stupid”

 

And you’ve never said any of it

You’ve never alluded to any of it

You’ve never reinforced any of it

 

It’s all me. Me remembering

Every time I’ve been told or

That I’ve felt that I’m;

 

Not good enough, Unacceptable, Worthless, Fat, Useless, Broken, A failure, Stupid.

 

And wondering if this makes the list

And it’s not your fault

It’s all on me

 

But it’s what’s happening.

 

So please don’t apologize for the reprimand

Because I was being intentionally silly or loud or obnoxious

And if it bothers you then I want to know

 

But when I’m quiet, that’s what’s happening.

And I need to work through it.

 

Which is harder when

I feel bad for you

Because you feel bad for

Making me feel bad.

 

It’s complicated.

 

And I’m working on it.