That Poem I Wrote For When You Die

It would be better if I told you before you die, wouldn't it?

Wake up the next day sinking slowly

Into bedsheets and soggy tissues

My heart feels a million times heavier but

Ironically I feel a void eating it apart

So if the message I received last night

Before I cracked my phone is true after all

My optimism has already dried out

What the hell am I supposed to do now?

That's what I would be thinking

Your fingertips, used for piano and carving scars

I squeeze my hands trying to remember

How it felt when we rest our heads together

Our breaths synchronizing

Gathering up every scrap of paper I scribbled your face on

Every awkward photo that never found your bad side

Just like that the world caved in on me overnight

Hey, I have to ask you

When you said “I love you”

Did you mean it?

When you could not stand up

Did you still want to?

The hope that we believed in

Did it mean nothing?

Was it a waste of time?

All the prayers piled in the garbage

What font would they use on your tombstone?

Even tiny details like that I hate to think about

That is how it would be the day after you die

And now my theories on your reasons for why

Reason number one, our friends are idiots

Number two, you were right,

Life is pointless and out to get us

Three, I should have tried harder to be honest like you

Or four, you suffocated under

The first two lies above

You know, at first I wrote this in case you killed yourself

Like you say you should but my stubborn and

Prideful self refuses to accept such

A dreadful possibility

People like you taught me that there is still beauty

In this mad world where we happened to meet each other

Yeah, I am grateful to have known you after all

You, another reason for me to remain here...

I love the sound of your voice

Can I still hear it?

Something about your appearance

I want to see you again

That music that you thought up

It repeats in my head

Your perfect imperfections

Everything I love about you

I want you to stay for as long as you can

How come I was never able to say this right in person?

Maybe it's too late, you might not care anymore

However, I love you too much to give up

Saying things like “you don’t need me and never will”

“It's impossible for someone

Like me to be truly loved”

“I'm a terrible person you should not forgive”

You will never read this

But for all that it is worth

Despite these emotions churning inside my mind

It was for the best

Somehow, I pray

You’ll be saved, probably…