I and You -Comparisons

A Love song

If I
-an evanescible memory of dawn -
were
a red red hot blazing Sun
made from the
disconsolate
hell fire's
insatiable heat
And you
a garnished beauty,
A soft pink rose
sheened by sweet melodies of summer
were
drooping slowly slowly
by
my irresistible heat of hell.
I would have
out of tender deliberation,
hid
my alone naive self
in the delicate hollows
of cerulean skies
long before
Long before
this ungrateful day
Only
to promise you a shadow of peace
underneath a sweet sodden tree of love
I would have
viciously
held sailing boughs of white clouds together
to shade your soft pink petals
So they may not get blacken enough;
to keep
your fair complexion fair
Your hair's length at length.
Forever.

Author's Note

I wrote this poem on a sultry afternoon of May while waiting for a train to Udaipur at Ajmer JN, Rajasthan.

Reviews

[Arutha]

This is very eloquently written. It is not everyday you meet someone who is willing to minimize their own self-serving needs for the love of another. I think this poem speaks to the truest and purest core of what love really is, and it's very well done.

I will say, the repetitions felt random and were a bit distracting, but at the same time they lent a kind of stillness to the reading of it. I would suggest using commas to separate said repetitions, though. It will make it flow a little better, in my opinion.

"So they may not get blacken enough..." This confused me. Maybe, "So they may not blacken enough to darken your fair complexion..." or something.