It Was

Summer 2009 - 1 day after the 7 month mark

I try, ya know?
I try to block it out of my head,
but I'm not a machine like you,
and at the end of the day,
I don't want to be.
I was splintered when we met,
and now, I feel broken.
You were building me up, ya know?
You were teaching me so much,
and I really started to see
how very amazing I am.
But in the end, you tell me such horrible things;
You undid all the work you put in.
And I can't even distinguish
if it was because you really meant them
or if you just wanted to hurt me bad enough
to get me out of your life for good.
It's a terrible thing, either way.
You shouldn't have to rip a girl apart
just to get her away from you.
I'm not some mess on the floor
you can sweep away under the cupboard
just so you don't have to look at me anymore.
Love is a miracle of emotion.
We create it,
like we create life inside of a womb
and we cultivate it our whole lives,
until someone sees fit
to take us out of this world.
I know you may think that I give love easily
to anyone who shows me kindness
or compassion but you are wrong.
My army of defenses is strong
and would trump yours anyday.
I'm just as capable of being cunning,
and cold, and heartless.
But I didn't want to be that way with you.
I played the honesty game,
but you always had a poker face.
I've loved men before,
but your heart changed the landscape of my soul.
You were a god to me,
and no, it wasn't for the usual list.
I care not for your money, for your presitigious degree,
for your nice apartment, or anything else you could wager.
It was the way you snored so loudly.
It was the way you played guitar into the wee hours of the morning.
It was your preference of spinach over lettuce.
It was your passion, your undying love of music.
It was the way you pulled away when you kissed me,
just to see me reach out with my mouth for you again.
It was the power and ambition
that flowed from your mind like a tidal wave.
It was the way you challenged me to be a better me,
and the way you stuck to your guns when I argued.
It was the back of your soft head in my lap.
It was your ego on a sober day.
It was the way you mumbled a song
when you couldn't remember the words.
It was your tears mingled with my tears
on a night you were too drunk
to remember the beautiful things you said to me.
It was the breath you took from me
whenever you would turn your eyes in my direction.
Be assured, I always loved you with every fiber of my being.
Be assured, I knew from the beginning that you would run.
Be satisfied that no matter what horrible things you said,
I will overcome this and I will be a god greater than you in the end.
But never forget that I meant every word,
every song, every poem I ever wrote for you.
And although my love for you is flawed,
and imperfect, it is true and it won't go away.