The True Story of Prometheus.

Thor being thor, Promie is banished from Mt. Olympus.

It is told that in the year of the bore -- oops, boar -- the year 1284 BCE, if you were to fly high in the sky like an eagle and if you ventured to the mountains of the Olympians in present day Greece, you might well have heard the cries of a tormented soul. 

Furthermore, If you were able and stupid enough to be there at all, you would probably also be idiotic enough to investigate those horrid cries. If unlucky enough to find the source, you would find a naked man chained to a rock on the side of a mountain, a huge golden eagle eating his liver. Standing nearby would be a quart-size bottle of Tabasco sauce. Yeh, long before McInearny was born. Such can be the will of the gods.

Screams would fill the air as a bloody beak ascended and descended into flesh, a cadence from hell that brought screams and grunts at each stroke. The man, or actually both man and god, was named Prometheus the son of Zeus, greatest of the gods. Prometheus was to be doomed for all eternity to suffer having his liver eaten by Zeus’s pet eagle, Twinky. During long chilly nights, the liver and flesh would grow back. Daily, Twinky will have his munchies. Also daily, the bottle of sauce would replenish itself.

Promie's punishment was for making fools of the other gods. 

There was the time when he disguised stinky old garbage and bones as a meat sacrifice to his father. Of course, one bite and Zeus not only knew the difference but was greatly incensed. It being during a victory party after a football game between the Olympian Boulders and the Valhalla Valkyries only worsened the occasion. 

Even Jehovah and the Gautama of Buddhist fame attended the event. As foul liquid leaked from rotten dinosaur bones, Zeus exploded. 

Mighty Thor, also incensed, thundered around the room. Needless to say, the party was a disaster.

Promie was lucky, with only a few centuries of being restricted to his room on that occasion. But he pulled many other pranks, with a decided irreverence for his parents and the other gods. The clincher being when he gave a gift of fire to a pack of filthy mortals living at the foot of Mount Olympus.

With fire, the humans prospered, infecting the once lovely landscape with their presence. They were able to protect and clothe themselves, even emulating the gods by cooking their aardvark meat both rare and well-done. Such actions made them appear ever more godlike in their actions, a process unforgivable to the mighty Zeus.

Since he was still feeling upset over the garbage prank and hated seeing fires reflecting from below, in the dry forest around his home, Zeus again punished his son. That time it was by chaining him to the mountain. He told Promie he would have to remain chained until the end of Eternity, or until Zeus got over his anger -- whichever came first.

Prometheus was to be reduced to eating grubs, insects, and spiders that wandered into his reach. Even then, he mocked his father by sneaking in a large bottle of Tabasco sauce to flavor the offal. 

Finding out about the sauce, Zeus sent in his pet eagle to worsen the punishment. Which is where matters would stand if you happened to fly to that mountain at that specific date and time.

But ... harken! What is that noise above? The one scaring Twinky and making him drop his din-din? 

Why, it’s only a foot. A callused foot. A bare callused foot. One of two belonging to a half-human, half-god named Herakles. Herakles happened to be another of the many illegitimate sons of Zeus. Who ever said gods have to be monogamous? 

Hercy was on his way down the mountain to call on a lovely maiden named Pandora, with the mission of getting into her box. 

Unknown to him, the box had already been opened, spreading disease and pestilence over the Earth. Another of good old Zeus’s many intrigues and plots against humanity. It’s a wonder that masochistic humans still worshiped him, the head of a race of godly pranksters.

In any case, a tiny little thing called "Hope" was still in the box, shaking as it clung to a corner, too shy to leave when it had opened previously. It's what caused Herakles to still wish access to Pandora’s lovely sweet box. He hoped to get Hope hopping, as it were.

Well, imagine his surprise when he stepped right onto the face of his long-lost brother. 

Twinky, getting over his surprise, figured he could double his bloody repast with two livers. He attacked Herky and was promptly slain. 

There is no record as to whether Twinky ever came back to life or not. Since Twinky's maternal grand-eagle had been a Phoenix -- not the Arizona kind -- there is still some conjecture on that point.

Hercy freed his brother from the chains and the two continued down ropes to the base of the mountain where Pandora stood waiting, legs and box opened wide to the delight of all the men in the world. 

Seeing the two gods walking among lowly humans, Hope sprang out to join the festivity, helping the humans in many ways, such as in learning to bathe and use toilet paper, while the lovely Pandora continued spreading social diseases, gods being immune to such.

Father Zeus was still angry though, sending Thor after his brothers to punish them. Why do you think we have all these thunderstorms across the Earth? Thor is mighty thor’(sore) and still looking for his errant kin. Thankfully for we humans, Hope being with his brothers, Thor is basically on a Hopeless quest. Got it?

The End.
Oscar Rat

Author's Note

Please leave some sort of reply.