A Different Little Red Riding Hood.

What can I say? Some sort of sick adult satire.

"The sheriff's been sniffing around our camp, Red," Robin Hood told his daughter. "You've been stealing too many of his horses." He patted her on the shoulder. "Your mother, Maid Marian, fears for you. Besides," he said, looking around for spies hidden in branches overhead, "all this attention makes it hard to plan that bank job in Nottingham."

"But I don't like to walk," Red replied. "That's why I'm called Riding Hood."

"I know, honey. Still, Marian and I would like you to live with your grandmother for awhile. At least until I rob that bank."

Sniffling, Red shuffled through her family's camp hidden in Sherwood forest. After taking a short break in the little john, as opposed to the larger outside toilets used by men, she entered the brick cottage she shared with three fat girls commonly called the Three Little Prigs.

Muffled screams coming from a bouncing bed caused Red to draw her dagger and dive onto the occupants.

"Get out of there, Friar Tuck," Red cried, blade tight against the portly churchman's carotid artery. He was trying to rape one of the girls. 

The priggy-girl reached up, shoving the dagger away. "Mind your own business, Red. I rape easily, quickly, and often."

The friar huffed and puffed, as though trying to blow the building down, while his 'victim', Samantha Porker, ate a juicy apple, occasionally giving a bump and a grind to encourage her rapist to hurry.

Red Hood paid little attention, such rapery being a common occurrence among the Porker sisters. Her own bed was enclosed by a spiked metal shield for privacy. Ignoring the sounds of various electrical marital aid devices across the room, Red packed for her trip to Grandma's house.

The little girl stuffed a red, of course, backpack with necessities for the trip, such as a flashlight to keep from stumbling over roots and stuff. Also a bottle of Gatorade and another of vodka to dilute the drink. Extra clothing went in, along with a can of Spam for lunch. On top, she placed her favorite Uzi sub-gun with extra magazines. You never knew what dangers you'd find on a trail in Sherwood forest. A tribe of deadly Smurfs often raided a nearby Doozer Muppet colony. 

While she was busy, the friar left and Peter Rabbit came out of a closet. Peter was a voyeur and liked to watch through a small hole in the door. The girls let him, using Peter as a free security guard. No matter how much Robin Hood tried to curtail stealing, his guys WERE a band of thieves.  

She hugged Samantha, said goodbye, and started to -- ugh -- walk down the lonely trail toward grandma's house.

An hour later, hearing singing, Red wandered off the well-worn path to investigate. She found a cowboy, his horse quietly munching grass. The man was strumming a guitar and singing "Home on the Kitchen Range", an all-time favorite of Red's. Beside him, a beaver cooked potatoes and a log -- obviously for his own lunch -- over a campfire. A very large aardvark slumbered under another tree, saddle still on its back.

"I wish we had some meat." The beaver looked at the cowboy. "What good are those damned pistols if you can't even kill us a lunch?"

The cowboy, who also had bright red hair like Red's, replied. "I can't kill an innocent animal, Little Beaver. You know that."

"If I give a rabbit a gun, you could try to shoot it out of his paw ... and miss."

"And I can't miss, either, Kimo Sabi."

"Screw that Kimo Sabi s**t, Ryder. I told you, it's Cheypan Indian speak for 'white a*****e,' and I don't appreciate it, kapish?"

"Ain't what old Lonesome Dove said it meant."

"Lonesome dove DID consider you a white a*****e."

Red Hood stepped out of the bushes. "You want to share my Spam?" she asked.

"Damned right," the beaver said, grabbing the can. "and you can have half my dinner log."

"No thanks, but I love baked potato."

After the meal, the three sat around for hours, Red Ryder telling Red Hood all about the wild west as seen by Hollywood. She learned of his movies and how he, Little Beaver his sidekick, horse named Champion and aardvark called Papoose, were on vacation there in England.

That night, while the others were sleeping, Red Riding Hood stood by her name and reputation as a horse thief. She stole Champion and rode off to see her grandma.

Red Ryder tried to run them down, but the aardvark was much too small for him to ride in the chase, so he had to stay at the camp and watch his old movies on a DVD player while Little Beaver chased the thief.

*** 

Meanwhile, at Grandma's crack house she and Wolfie, her sometimes lover, were playing adult bedroom games, a favorite being “Who Ate Who?”. Wolfie was at a distinct disadvantage, since the Tin Woodsman had castrated him the year before. Even the Wizard of Oz couldn't put Wolfie back together again.

The Tin Woodsman had caught the sex-addicted wolf screwing a knothole in a tree he intended to cut down and had grabbed an axe. 

*** 

While on the way, riding Champion, Red Riding Hood drank Gatorade and vodka, sharing it with the horse. Both were pretty tipsy by the time they arrived at Grandma's.

Grandma happened to be wearing a bearskin, acting the male part, while Wolfie, dressed in Grandma's mother Hubbard and army boots, played the alternate sex. 

At the time of Red's arrival, Grandma was in the bathroom cleaning up while Wolfie slept under a thick comforter on the bed.

Parking Champion, Red staggered into the house. Not even bothering to call out, she dropped her clothing and fell into bed with what she thought was her grandma.

Wolfie, as could be expected, also thought it was Grandma coming back to bed and rolled over onto the child, ready to eat her, again.

That was when Little Beaver, in search of Red, came in the door. Seeing a large lump under the covers, he put several arrows into Wolfie's back -- killing him.

Three crackheads, coming for their fix, saw a beaver in the doorway. Whooping, they figured on beaver chops for breakfast, attacking him from behind.

Luckily, Peter Rabbit pulled into the driveway in a Buick. He had Red Ryder with him and plowed into the crackheads, killing one and driving the others away. Besides being a voyeur, Peter was also an undercover Private Eye working for Grandma and was reporting Red Hood's visit.

***

Red Ryder got his horse back. He and Little Beaver finished their vacation in London, figuring the big city was safer for a Hollywood cowboy. Besides, he missed air-conditioning.

At first, Red Riding Hood was surprised at how heartbroken Grandma was over the loss of Wolfie.

"I know you have many lovers, Grandma." She hugged her grandma at the grave-site. "Why was Wolfie so important?"

"There's some things you should know, child," the old lady replied, wiping misty eyes and firing up her crack pipe, "like Wolfie being your real father." She blew her nose and continued, "He raped me when I was a youngster, about your age. You must have heard the old adage that you can't get a girl by eating her, but once you eat her, you can’t get rid of her?"

The two ladies hugged and cried over her father's demise. Red joined Grandma in her drug business, expanding distribution into both Nottingham and nearby Camelot, to the chagrin of a man named Kennedy. The expansion was easy, since Red married the sheriff and they were under his protection. She even talked the Porker sisters into organizing into paid professionals managed by Robin Hood.

By, Oscar Rat, the famous rat writer.