What it may all mean . . . to be . . .

Sunday, November 28th, 2004 This is a another group of poems, all gnashed together.

I miss you Corrin, my white pony. I always seem to come back to you. More so when our songs are spinning or when that certain album is playing. What have you been up to, where have you been, can you believe that it has been this long? I can't stop thing about that Summer. Right now the rain is playing on my window and it is cold and dark outside where once a full Moon filled everything with white light afterglow. I can see two blinking red lights in the distance where the wire tower sings it's songs in the wind for me. But that is a lament for another girl. Another more recent long lost love . . . my black horse in pale white skin. Not unlike yours. I have also been sharpening my teeth with someone else's pain in order to bury this hatchet that I have with my latest battle -axe. She didn't let go before the truth came home to roost and I took flight, hide & seek and where am I . . . like you now? You see, it is like this now:

I wish I could stop the twitching
And that my body was as tired as my thoughts
Yes, I am high
And alone . . . and longing for . . . forgetting about
All this empty space (filled with nothing . . . but you)
And memories of celebrations from the past
What to do, I ask myself, with all this silence?
While sitting here on an anniversary of that uniteresting event
Thinking about - wishing for - hoping that -
And it all sounds good in times like these
When I should be someone else's something else
But I am needing you more than I should be helping myself out
To get up and moving
Instead of just dying again

pt:2

Who are you that is the Queen of Hearts
That trumps this King of Pain
That is where everything ends up
Lying stretched out on a hard deathbed
Begging for relief
Hoping for release
Praying to be saved from
Another misunderstood heartbreak
When I am thinking alone about your soft young skin
So warm and wanted next to my own
And dreaming it to be so closer to my kisses
I know that the fire I felt will burn deeper
Hotter
Further into me - to my core
Burning my center clean
Taking everything from me
But the memories of you and your taste
Still sweet on my tongue
And leaving behind nothing else

pt:3

I've been dreaming of your kiss
What it must be like
Passionate and deep or slow and tender
Or both in the same
Either way, I would like to know
So my skin crawls and my head races
I feel so alive in the dead of night
As I lie awake
Watching you dance in my head
To the musical beating of my heart
Just like when I see your dress take flight
Looking like wings by your sides
My eyes trace all your lines
Follow ever step, every twist to twirl
Until . . .
I see you seeing me seeing you
A blink and I turn my gaze away
Wondering if it was I that was caught
That it was this moment that is real
And that you, yourself
Could have been looking to watch me
In your sleep


And the dark out there consumes me like a light bulb dissolves the night. It was warm last night for a late November night & my October blossoms are still in bloom. My body aches from tired expense and my mind needs to sleep. But all I can think about is you, out there, out where? Like me, somewhere, where we don't care for, others to find us, to pine for us, and what does it all mean that we're not all happy together, but better further apart . . . ? I am just glad the killer that's me is asleep tonight, with no crowbars to their windsheilds that offer no safety and a knife pr&ty to the neck. Is this just it then, left with only feelings to burn and a hope to pray on? A sweet young face that will never know mine own art or the charms of prowess in my arms . . . only words that could be all but blank and vague, and where does that end this road of mine.