I Wonder ...

I wonder, a lot.

I wonder how is it that I've been able to ignore this inflamed, sore, gaping hole inside my chest for so long. It's finally caught my attention though, but thing is, I don't know what to do with it.

I wonder every night how is it that I made it through the previous one.  

I wonder how is it that I can help the whole world, exhibit this smile and just fool everyone that nothing is going on with Lindsey.

I wonder how long am I just going to wander through life like a zombie, instead of having goals for my "future". 

I wonder if I'm ever going to fall back into My Escape.

I wonder if one day I'll wake up with plans for myself, and not just wake up the hour before afternoon class. I wonder if I'll ever take advantage of the days of my life.

I wonder what life would be like without me, without my burdensome self. How much happier everyone would be if I wasn't around.

I wonder if I could just open up this cavity and yank out this thing that's executing excruciating pain with every damned beat it makes. 

I wonder if I can ever become numb for all things in life. 

I wonder how the piece of steel that awaits patiently for me, will feel being dragged across my canvas. 

I wonder why is it that I feel Lonely, when I've been this way my whole life. 

I wonder how disappointed I'll feel when I'm facing myself in the mirror once again with new creations on my skin. I already am, as it is. 

I wonder if all the words spoken were lies. But I'd rather dwell on them and convince myself that even if you're gone, they held some kind of weight. 

But I mostly wonder if anyone could really accept me for who I am: a completely incomplete, broken, emotional wreck, who is able to make just about anyone smile whilst simulating her own. An individual who is alive but is barely living, a girl who has a past that constantly haunts her. A person who is here, but isn't.

A person that everyone says has a great personality and a beautiful heart, when in reality my personality is simply my form of respect unto others and desiring them to be happier, trying to have them in a much better state than my mind is in ... and well, my heart is calloused, scarred, cut, inflamed, sore, throbbing instead of beating, infected and beautiful, yes. 

It is beautifully eradicated. 

and I just wonder... I wonder if there is ANY kind of 'beauty' within a chaotic, fragmented Lindsey.

Author's Note

Please ignore any grammatical errors or unfinished ideas.
But please share any thoughts, questions, comments, or anything of the sort.
Thank you for reading.