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A Story by M.Fazekas
"

500 word story, I figure this is a good introductory piece. kinda scary. post 9/11.

"

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 `Little Rebecca grasped her Mother's hand tightly as they stepped on to the elevator. Dressed rather tomboyishly in oversized Boss jeans and a Yankees baseball shirt worn backwards, her long silky blonde hair tucked up under an 'I Love N.Y.' baseball cap worn sideways.

            The elevator went to the top floor of The Empire State Building, now, again, the tallest building in the city since September eleventh. Rebecca took in the assortment of people on the elevator with her, giving each person a bio that she made up on the spot; there… he was a businessman on his way to an important meeting with an executive of some mega rich company, he was running late, she could tell by the way he kept glancing at his wristwatch, and that lady, well she was going to meet her prince charming but was a little nervous about it, you could tell by the way a smile played about the edges of her lips but never quite reaching them, and that man… It was a game she enjoyed playing, her seven year old imagination was both active and very creative.

            She noticed a man with dark skin, he had what appeared to be a rosary in his hand, his thumb flicking off each amber colored glass bead with an audible click, his lips moving silently with each one. She decided he was a priest, reciting his daily prayers, an image he was actually trying hard to project. A single drop of sweat rolled over his brow, betraying his outward appearance of serenity.

            His passport said he was a catholic priest from Rome. He had thought Rome was too much, but the forger assured him it would bear up under scrutiny, having acquired the passport and paperwork from an actual priest. His organization had no trouble providing him with neither the funds he needed nor the custom made rosary he held in his hands.

            The plan had been his own; it had been approved and revised by the very leaders of his organization. His family was going to be well taken care of and he would be a hero to his people. If that wasn't reason enough to martyr himself, there was the seventy virgins in Paradise to consider.

            It had been almost absurdly easy to get to this point even with the post September eleventh Homeland Security measures put in place. His credentials hardly raising an eyebrow through the U.S. customs. A search of his person would have produced nothing incriminating had he been searched (he wasn't). His rosary never left his hand the whole trip, passing through customs and the metal detectors with no problem. The Empire State Building security and metal detectors had had no better success at uncovering his deception. Not that he felt in danger of being discovered, he felt it was his destiny and that God Himself protected and guided him.

            The doors to the elevator opened onto the observation deck level and the last security checkpoint. Checkmate.

 3/14/2007 M. Fazekas

© 2011 M.Fazekas


Author's Note

M.Fazekas
i kinda wanted a Hitchcock type of ending..leave alot to the readers imagination. hope you liked it.

My Review

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Featured Review

Great job! You definitely succeeded with the ending. I love how it started out as simply a portrait of a young girl, and then slid into something that was much more deep than just people watching.

My only critical comment is watch for fragmented sentences. Even though they have the illusion of being a full sentence, they're not. As an example: "Dressed rather tomboyishly in oversized Boss jeans and a Yankees baseball shirt worn backwards, her long silky blonde hair tucked up under an 'I Love N.Y.' baseball cap worn sideways" is a fragment. (Though it is awesome description.) Just add "She was dressed..." and you're good to go.

If you're looking to increase reader appeal, then breaking it down into more paragraphs would be a wise thing to do.

But all in all, great job!

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

M.Fazekas

7 Years Ago

thanks you for the great critique. and I see what you are saying.



Reviews

Great job! You definitely succeeded with the ending. I love how it started out as simply a portrait of a young girl, and then slid into something that was much more deep than just people watching.

My only critical comment is watch for fragmented sentences. Even though they have the illusion of being a full sentence, they're not. As an example: "Dressed rather tomboyishly in oversized Boss jeans and a Yankees baseball shirt worn backwards, her long silky blonde hair tucked up under an 'I Love N.Y.' baseball cap worn sideways" is a fragment. (Though it is awesome description.) Just add "She was dressed..." and you're good to go.

If you're looking to increase reader appeal, then breaking it down into more paragraphs would be a wise thing to do.

But all in all, great job!

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

M.Fazekas

7 Years Ago

thanks you for the great critique. and I see what you are saying.

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Added on September 19, 2011
Last Updated on September 19, 2011
Tags: dark, fiction, drama, suspense, hitchcock, hate, 9/11, terrorist

Author

M.Fazekas
M.Fazekas

Claremont, NH



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