#8- Fantasy.

On fearing what is or isn't.

"Are you afraid of me?"

I glance at the text from R.

Quietly.

Slowly.

Tenderly.

"Yeah.  I guess."

Admitting an insecurity

I didn't know I was hiding,

A secret she uncovered 

And grabbed hold, readily.

"Why?  Do you think I'll bite?"

I feel the playfulness on my skin.

The threat of her silver tongue--

And the taste 

Of longing, mutual.

"Maybe."

Something inside me is building.

Growing.  Knocking.  Pushing.

Pulling.  Scratching.  Clawing

Gnawing.  Biting.  

"That wouldn't be all bad, though.  Right?"

A pause.  Two pauses.  Drawn.

Desperation for release.  

And reciprocation.

"So what is it, then?"

"I guess I'm afraid to see if you're real or not."

Her, just a few blocks away.

Me, five minutes away by car.

Her lips, maybe only seven and change.

The rest, a fevered calculus.

"What if I was?"

Heat.  Face, flushed.

My palms sweat. 

Fingers tremble; thumbs fumble.

And I freeze.

"iibdonntk'noow.."

Author's Note

Rough day. Rough memory. Throwing out another experimental piece, after a rough conversation with you, Miss.

Not much effort for rhyme or meter today. Just needed to get this one out and off my chest as soon as possible. Writing poetry is becoming increasingly more cathartic.

Reviews

[redzone]

poetry like everything comes in all flavors, sizes and shapes doesn't have to "rhyme".. your poem does have an internal rhythm to it, it brings the reader in, holds them and then lets them drop, at the end has them saying, go for it, sweaty palms and all...

my one crit would be that there are way too many building building buildings... this of course is just me opinion so take with a grain of salt... I would try to express in different ways how the nervousness if growing inside you... for example something like: something inside is building./ building/ building like an itch that can't be reached/ or the way the heat of her bite would feel.. not very good, hopefully it will give you the idea of what I am saying...

one other suggestion might be to write this more as a prose poem...

pretty nice experiment I would say Paper...

redzone

[Paper]

Thank you.

I was listening to an interview with Bukowski the other day. During which, he said something about not wanting to touch his poems after he's finished them and they're "out there." Something like that. Not wanting to play with or fuss over them.

I could relate, but I figure he had a lot more experience writing them when he said that than I do presently.

I went ahead and redid a lot of this poem. What do you think?

[redzone]

I like this one better. .. there is truth to once the poem is out there it is not altogether yours any longer. . but if people read and suggest some changes listen to them and decide for yourself to use or not. .. bukowski was a wannabe poet and full time drunk, thetc first my opinion, the second real. . no matter what write the way you think best but be open to learning. ..

anyway the second version is better I think. ..

[Paper]

I like it more now, too. Thank you.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

free verse allows us to focus on the story of the poem...this one many of us have encountered...that battle of the mind and heart...is she safe or not---
will this be another broken heart...or happy ever after...or at least happy for a good while.