101 Best Quotes of All Time!

101 Best Quotes of All Time!

A Story by SwagMaster
"

These are my favorite quotes!!! (Not exactly in a best to worst list)

"
1. Some people are like Slinkies. They aren't really good for anything, but it brings a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.
2. When I met Mr. Right, I had no idea his first name was Always.
3. Every marriage is happy. It's the living together afterwards that causes a problem.
4. A child of five would understand this.....Get me a child of five.
5. I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.
6. I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
7. Looking is a power. Seeing is a gift.
8. You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them, and hope they panic and give in.
9. The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
10. I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.
11. I never forget a face, but in your case, I'd be happy to make an exception.
12. I love long walks; especially when they're taken by people who annoy me.
13. When you women ask a question where you don't want to hear the answer, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
14. You just asked me if you're fat. Well, you can't fit in anything in your closet. Do you need me to confirm that?
15. My mother never saw the irony of calling me a son-of-a-b#[email protected]
16. Failure is just an opportunity to start again, only this time more intelligently.
17. The best response to a married man hitting on you is, "Hey, don't I know your wife?"
18. Whether you think you can, or you think you can't, you're right!
19. She had bad luck with two husbands; the first left her, the second one won't.
20. His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
21. A relationship is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's really not that hot.
22. Every time I look at you, I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.
23.You should NEVER say anything to a woman that would even remotely suggest that she's pregnant unless you see an actual baby coming out at that very moment.
24. Too much of a good thing is simply wonderful.
25. Dogs look up to you. Cats look down on you. Only pigs see you as an equal.
26. The fact that no one understands you does not mean you're an artist.
27. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
28. It's not true that nice guys finish last. Nice guys win before the race even starts.
29. How about never? Is never a good time for you?

30. My husband and I are trying to decide whether to get a dog or have a child. We can't decide if we want to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

31. Everyone's entitled to their own opinion. Yours is just stupid.

32. The worst feeling in the world is to be sitting next to someone and knowing you can never have them.

33. I'm not weird. My reality is just different from yours.
34. When life gives you lemons, squirt them in your enemies' eyes.
35. When life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.
36. When life gives you Skittles, chuck them at people's faces and scream, "TASTE THE FREAKING RAINBOW!!"
37. Flying is learning to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
38. When I die, I want to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather did.......not screaming like the other passengers in his car.
39. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
40. I asked God for a bike, but I guess God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked God for forgiveness.
41. We never really grow up. We just learn how to act in public.
42. A friend will bail you out of jail. A best friend will be in there with you, saying, "Whoohoo! That was fun!!"
43. We spend the first two years teaching children to walk and talk, then spend the next sixteen years telling them to sit down and shut up.
44. The early bird gets the worm.
45. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
46. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk at work, I have a work station......
47. Did you know dolphins are so smart, that within a few weeks of captivity they can train people to stand at the edge of their pool and throw them fish?
48. A fool thinks himself to be wise, when a wise man knows himself to be a fool.
49. What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell just as sweet.
50. A two-year-old is like having a blender, but not having a top for it.
51. As a child my family's menu consisted of two things: take it or leave it.
52. All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
53. Good morning. I see the assassins have failed.
54. It'll be funnier than a penguin playing a banjo.
55. Never take life too seriously. No one gets out alive, anyway.
56. Only in America can a pizza get to your house faster than the ambulance, do banks leave their doors open and chain their pens to the counters, do people order three double cheese burgers and a diet coke, and do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars sitting in our driveways and fill our garages with useless junk.
57. If a rhino and a pony had a baby, would that make it a unicorn? OMG, I knew they existed!!
58. COURAGE: Do one brave thing today.....then run like hell.
59. I'm polymerized tree sap, you're an inorganic adhesive. Any verbal projectile you launch in my direction is reflected off me, returns to it's original trajectory and adheres to you.
60. Video games ruined my life....good thing I have two extra lives.
61. When buildings are on fire, exit building BEFORE Facebooking or Tweeting about it.
62. What's this thing you call "normal"? Is it contagious?! OMG!! Don't touch me! I might catch your normal!
63. There would be no reason to frighten you refused to be afraid.
64. Old people would poke me at weddings and whisper, "You're next, you're next." So, I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

65. 'Earth' without 'art' is just 'eh'.

66. When all else fails, Google it.

67. School prepares you for the real world.....which also sucks.

68. You call me a b***h. A b***h is a dog. Dogs bark. Bark is on trees. Trees are nature. Nature is beautiful. So, thanks for the compliment.

69. So a lady walks up to you and says, "All you have to do is run straight into the brick wall over there and you'll end up on Platform 9 and 3/4.".......Sounds legit. Let's do this.

70. Beyond this point you may encounter nude sunbathers eating waffles.

71. While my mom tells me, "Be a lady." my dad tells me, "Don't take crap from anyone and if they give you problems, beat their a*s.". Daddy's girl always.

72. I will have no man on my boat that isn't afraid of anything.

73. Three a.m. call from your friend: "Hey, you awake?" "No, I'm freaking skydiving."
74. Unicorns still exist. They've just gotten older, more wrinkled, fatter, and grayer.....
75. You call me a nerd? Well, if a nerd is just someone who's smarter than you, there'd be A LOT of nerds.
76. What girls wants in a guy: Protective, good-looking, muscular. Good hugger and kisser, not a cheater. Not to be too controlling or demanding, and don't act like you're her STALKER!! Always text her first, but not too much. Good oral and bodily hygiene, and don't cry too much because it's a turn off. Be sweet and mushy when you're alone with her. Say you love her in front of your friends, and don't act too "cool" for her. Don't be a d********g, because that's asking for a punch in the face. Never expect too much, and help her get through things.
77. What guys want in a girl: Boobies.
78. Dear heart, I just met a boy. Prepare for hell.
79. Happiness can be found, even in even the darkest of times, if one remembers to turn on the light.
80. Try not to be a man of success, but a man of value.
81. I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
82. Raising a kid is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.
83. Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
84. The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
85. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
86. Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.
87. I found a lipstick that helps you lose weight…..it’s called super glue.
88. If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
89. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
90. One out of every four people suffers from some form of mental illness. So the next time you’re with 3 of your friends, study them carefully. If they seem OK " You’re the one!!
91. The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.
92. When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven!
93. If nothing is going right… GO LEFT!
94. I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.
95. I have a mind like a steel trap. Stuff gets in there and WHAM! it never gets back out again.
96. Statistics have shown that mortality increases perceptibly in the military during wartime.
97. The only two facilities that work on the bell system are schools and prisons.
98. Tell a girl she’s beautiful a million times and she’ll never believe you. Call her ugly once, and she’ll never forget it.
99. I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said, ‘No, Six should be enough’.
100. Successful people with full lives must face the same frustrations, hurdles, and fears as everyone else. The difference is in the way they handle their fear. Rather than feeling defeated or immobilized by their fears and worries, successful people conquer them.
101. OMG !!!!!!!!! Has anyone lost a large roll of $50 notes wrapped in an elastic band? If so contact me immediately!!!!! I found the elastic band.

© 2012 SwagMaster


Author's Note

SwagMaster
Haha! Hope you guys like it!

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Reviews

Haha, this was very entertaining. It kind of raised my self esteem, thanks! Where'd you get these by the way?

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

"Good morning. I see the assassins have failed."

XD XD XD XD XD
I love love love these quotes. Amazing. Glad I could read these.

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Haha this is just what i needed :D Thanks for writing all this!!
#71
My fav
XD

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

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AK
Beautiful! Really nice way of thinking. 101 quotes, huh? Great job, I really liked it:D...

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Wow! That was really long! XD
"78. Dear heart, I just met a boy. Prepare for hell." Made me laugh! Ha! Ha! So true... XD
I've read some of these before and I must say that they really mean a lot...Especially those life-inspiring quotes...
:)))

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


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Added on December 7, 2011
Last Updated on March 20, 2012

Author

SwagMaster
SwagMaster

Roosevelt, UT



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I use swag ironically so much that it's not ironic anymore. more..

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