Angela's Perspective

A Story by Travis

This is the other side to Beck's Perspective. Something I hope to develop even further in the coming years.

Angela's hands trembled, getting close to dropping the phone in her hands. Tics slowly creeping back from the medication she "forgot" to take today. Eye blinking, hand jolting, and knee shaking. Blinking through the tears she stumbled over typing the last sentence. This was the start of a long and rocky slope which led to the inevitable breakup, Beck shouldn't have to deal with her much longer than a month, and with school ending soon, just 4 more days, so he'd want to do more. She didn't want to be the crazy, paranoid, and passive aggressive girlfriend, but she had to be for his sake. Angela didn't want him to watch her be dragged into the pit, and right now he was trying to break her from the fingers pulling her. She spent 2 minutes trying to press send and finally pushed past the invisible barrier keeping her from ruining this. It felt like a small dagger hit her heart as soon as it dinged message read. She finally let her phone drop from her hands, tics receding a tiny bit. She didn't want to see what he had to say for a bit, it took enough energy sending the message, it would take some time before she'll be able to look at his response.

He had something in his brain that wanted to make them work, to make her better. At some point he'd have to look past that and realize that this wouldn't work, it couldn't. And she wasn't about to ruin someone like him, so she devised a plan to lead him to dump her. He had to get to the point where he couldn't take it anymore and knew what he had to do. And that’s when her phone's screen lit up and buzzed, the light showing her what her clock's time read, 12:13 am. Obviously a text from Beck, another therapist worthy text sprinkled with inside jokes, memories with each other, and the inevitable L-word. He deserved someone else, someone better and more giving. And she'd rather his last memory of their relationship be yelling and then a breakup, than the last memory be he couldn't help her enough to stop her from staying in this pit of pill after pill. She found solace in having at least a feeling, even if it was as draining as depression could be. Some people don't want to be helped. She didn't want to keep giving him false affection, he deserved the actual thing. Shutting her phone off for the night, she decided to answer back in the morning. The imaginary dagger was still stuck in her heart, but it still beat on. She layed down and closed her eyes, careful to not lay on her chest, and fell asleep instantly.

It started like the first firework on the 4th of July, both of them excited like the little kids who hadn't run away at the sound, a bright spectacle people were staring at. Now we were just trying to keep the final ember alive so it wouldn't end. At least, it was like that for her. For Beck, it was more of a Sun, constant explosions to keep it bright, staying around for lifetimes, and even when it died, it still stayed beautiful. Watching kids turn into teens into adults and having their own kids. He always managed to find one way to make her smile once a day, whether it was him tripping, some really bad joke, or just the face he made when trying to persuade her to watch a certain bad movie. On her birthday he drove her out to an amazing sandwich shop, hidden in the back corner of town. When they got there he whispered something to the person at the sandwich counter, but she could hear he was asking if they had any birthday specials. She ended up being brought out the usual sandwich and soda, but there was an unlit candle and a lighter next to the meal. Then he took her out to the hill with an already laid out blanket, just as the night was settling. They laid there until his watch beeped that it was midnight and her birthday was over, but they ended up staying there a couple extra hours. They saw the cusp of the sun coming as they were leaving.

As the sun burned through her eyelids and into her sockets, she regretted keeping the curtains open that night, it was only 8 in the morning. Pocketing her phone, she went and made breakfast, knowing her parents were already on the way to work. When she finally shut her phone on, after grilling up an egg sandwich and pouring some milk, the messages didn’t pour in as she thought. There were about 4 of them. But, just as she predicted, those texts could have been used as a college essay for psychology and would have gotten at least a B+. She glossed over the previous texts from him and messaged him asking if he was up to do anything today.

Beck: I gotta still check, but most likely, I just need to get the last of this school work finished up. What did you wanna do?

Her: Seriously? You can't put that aside one day just to entertain me?

Beck: Haha, well as much as I'd like to, I only have 3 more days to complete this, sorry hun.

Her: Whatever.

Her: Anyways, back on the movies, lets not watch another one of those "classics" you always make me see. Let's go to the mall, I can at least try to change your wardrobe. All those nerd shirts are better left in middle school, not almost senior year.

The small dagger in her heart stabbed a bit further in, her hands jolted a bit again.

Beck: Oh.. Ok, I guess I can try something else, I'm not promising anything though, I am quite picky, haha.

God, why did he have to be so agreeing on

everything, couldn't he just argue back one in a while?

Her: Well, can we at least get rid of that little Star Trek wristband you always wear?

Beck: It's Star Wars actually, haha. But Damien and I got them at the last convention we went to..

Her: There we go again, Damien, Damien, Damien. If you care about him so much why don’t you date him instead? Hm?

Beck: Is everything okay? Is it the end of the school year that’s stressing you out? There's only 3 more days then you can rest.

Her: Yea, sure, it's that. Once the school year ends everything will be back to normal. Just promise we'll get back to talking about that Star whatever band?

Beck: Sure, I guess.. Sorry, I gotta get this school work done so I actually end with a decent grade this year, haha. I'll message you later today if I can hang out. Ok?

Her: Yea. That’s fine, just make sure you do that instead of running off with Damien or some girl.

Beck: Of course, I promise you, I couldn't pick up anyone else anyways, certainly as good as you. But yea, talk to you then <3

Her: Whatever, talk to you then I guess.

Just as she sent that last message, her phone practically flew across the room. She was glad she invested in a good case for it, or she'd be through her fourth by now. The dagger made lodged itself further into her heart. If it was real, she'd probably be bleeding out by now. Angela had no idea on how she was going to keep this up until he came up with the courage to leave her. As soon as she downed her food, she glanced over at her medicine, anti-depressive. It's supposed to give you that number, happier feeling, but she skipped it last night so that she could actually send that message. She contemplated taking it today, it was the weekend, but she also may be going out with Beck today. She ended up taking half her dosage to get rid of the dagger feeling for now. But even after an hour of taking it, it was still an annoying pain just like before, at least the tics stopped.

Tying up the laces in her brand new shoes (she had them for months but never used them), she pulled on a snug running jacket from two years ago, before she quit track. She opened the door and smelled the air, even though it was almost 9 in the morning, the sun was up and shining, reflecting off morning dew hanging off leaves and drops pulling blades of grass to the ground. The pink streak that usually spans across the horizon has gone and changed to a blue hue, a bright contrast to the birds leading their young to catch the worms littering driveways. As much as she enjoyed experiencing all this, she couldn't help but still hate it all. Being all happy and calm, it wasn't going to help what she is doing to Beck. Even though the sun was heating her up already, she tightened her hood around her face and started running. She passed through all the areas she used to run in when she ran track; running here was actually how she met Beck. When he first saw her, he tripped and scraped up his knee, but assured her that he was fine when she came over. After a while of exchanging waves and laughs at the inside joke, they became running buddies. Soon they exchanged their numbers and traded waves in the school hallways. And finally, texts became long night calls, and then dates without friends.

Running past all this, the phone in her pocket grew heavier, and she sped up until she was out of the bubble of memories. They stopped running here soon after starting to date, she guessed both their hearts grew too heavy to run after she opened up about her depression. Instead of after school runs, it turned to late night therapy sessions, and if they were lucky, date nights. He never seemed to mind, always right there for her when she was on the edge of falling the rest of the way into the pit. And she always felt at least a tiny bit better by the end; he wouldn't leave until she did. She shook those thoughts out of her head and sped up even more, focusing more on her breathing than the past.

The door to her house opened with her slogging through the door, finally giving in to the torment she put her body through during the run. After a glass of water, throwing the last of it on her face to cool her down, she peeled off her jacket and took a shower; she couldn't stand the smell any longer. Getting out of the shower, she glanced at the clock. 10:24. Beck was probably still working on the stuff for school, she had finished that up last week, in a fit of her thinking she never did anything and that she was lazy. She decided to just annoy him by sending text after text of wondering why that homework was more important. She watched TV until he texted her. It was a bunch of reality shows with scripted scenes, fake body parts, and overly tanned skin. It was disgusting, but she was weirdly drawn to it. Something about the most fake, sensitive, annoying people still finding a way through life. But finally her phone, as rugged as it was starting to look from the throwing, lit up with Beck's text.

Beck: Hey, sorry, I'm back now though. Haha, now I won't have to worry for the next three days.

Her: Hopefully you'll spend that time with me, right?

Beck: Totally. Nothing else I'd rather do Ang, can't wait. But yea, you mentioned about hanging out today, anything in particular you wanted to do?

Her: Well, like I said, we could go out for a movie, just none of that cheesy stuff, I'm not Damien.

Beck: Sure, I guess I'll surprise you then, meet at the theater around 1:30?

Her: Sure, see you then.

Beck: See you then hun <3

The clock in front of her said 12:54, she had enough time to get there, it was only around 15 minutes away. Setting her phone down before it ended up at the wall across from her, she realized her hand wasn’t shaking as badly from last night. Maybe this was getting easier for her? Was that a good thing or a bad thing? But, she could still feel the dagger prominently in her heart, moving as her heart beat, and beat, and beat. Angela wished she could just grab the hilt of it and throw it farther than her phone. She imagined that, the dagger somewhat splattering specks on the wall, then clattering onto the newly redone floors. But no, it was there, the hilt sticking right in between two ribs, about in inch into her heart. A constant reminder of what she had to do. Shaking out the trance, the walked by the clock on her way to her room, 1:11.

Crap.

How did she spend 17 minutes looking at an imaginary dagger on the floor. She took the stairs 2 at a time, tripping and crawling the rest of the way up. She tossed outfit after outfit trying to find something date worthy. Wait... why was she rushing? It's almost as if she forgot what she was doing for him, not to him, she reasoned. She slowly straightened her back, took a tank top and a jacket out from the back of her closet, slapped on some jeans with holes, and grabbed the car keys. Even as she did this her feet tried to drag her back to her room for a dress or at the very least a shirt with sleeves. She vigorously tapped her legs with her fingers, debating between whether he deserved this or not. 'It's only one bad outfit, he probably won't even notice' she chanted to herself to stop from running back to that closet, over and over until she reached the car, tapping the steering wheel rhythmically instead.

She decided to take the scenic route there, passing by the cemetery, the weather worn lighthouse sitting alone on the cliff, and the downtown with alleys you could get lost in. Each of these places bringing different family memories. Long, silent, and cold nights that felt like a silk blanket, smoking in front of the obelisks put in the better cared for parts of the cemetery. Sneaking up to the tower in the night, sleeping on its rough, but still comforting metal floor around the light. Giggling with friends as they watched movies on the walls of the alleyways. All of these times slowly drifted away as she felt time was better spent alone in her room.

Her room was her sanctuary, book after book, all her electronics, and the most comfortable bed. Starting around two years ago, that’s where she spent her hours. She was a mini fridge away from staying there indefinitely. But something about it still made her want to leave, to all those places she frequented years ago, but she was inevitably drawn back to warm covers and a place where she could just... be. Silence for hours, nap after prescription laden nap, her stack of books-to-read slowly turning into a wall of solitude.

Reaching the theater at 1:36, a minor thing that still set her hand to vibrate. Beck was already waiting there with the popcorn and her favorite candy, Gobstoppers.

"Ready to go in? The movie is gonna start in a bit and I wanna see some of the new movie trailers," he asked, speaking really quickly and avoiding talking about her being late

"Wait, what movie are we watching? Not some space movie or something right? I hate those," she said, being rewarded with another hand jolt.

"Nope, I picked one of those cliché Rom-coms that you love, for whatever reason. Seriously, they're as bad as Hallmark movies, too predictable," he said, a smirk growing on his face. Adorable? Yes. She struggled to keep my face sullen.

"You'll learn to love it, or learn to tolerate it, whichever comes first," she shot back, thinking she could still have a little fun with him; it helped ease the dagger a bit.

They walked into the theater together, Angela acting like she was allowing him to hold her hand but secretly loving it. The movie was boring, the only thing she enjoyed was that Beck's hand still got clammy holding hers. We finished out the movie and hugged each other goodbye. He lingered a bit, staring at her face a second longer than usual, then gave her a smile and walked her to the car. She went home and passed out on the bed, passing by her mom and dad cleaning up from dinner, both silent. She was too tired from the whole ordeal, again wondering how she was going to keep it up longer.

The last 3 days of school was like that. Snippy comments passive aggressively thrown Beck's way, showing little to no emotion but brimming with it inside. Slowly she grew numb to the dagger that slowly entered her heart more and more with every push away from Beck. Since it was the last few days we had before the summer, teachers eventually just passed time by playing movies in class, knowing they weren't paying attention at the end of the year. And finally...

The final school day.

It was... the same as every other day. Except there was a flurry of yearbook signing, despite coming back next year, and a immaterial excited feeling exchanged across the entire school. But when the last bell rang, it wasn't anything like High School Musical. She plugged in her headphones like always and went to her car. And a new cycle continues, just a more free one.

Day after day after day. Each day she could feel Beck drifting away from her. As much as it hurt her to do, she became more and more needy, aggravated, pushy, and overall the worst. A week into the summer and he still hadn't left the house, resorting to texting or watching movies at his place. She didn't mind obviously, easier for her to stay in her room, and him in his. Day after day after day. And then, after one particularly heated argument about him being with other girls and hanging out with Damien all the time, he just.. Took a break. She messaged and messaged and continued doing so until it was midnight and she knew he wouldn't answer then.

The next morning is when the dagger finally fell out onto the floor, leaving red specks on her carpet in her room.

Beck: I think we need to take a break.