Guards Down

When I say I put my guards down for you
I meant it word by word.
I don't take my scalpel with me
Though I take them whenever
I go into the quest of a new flame.
To stay ready,to protect,to stay alive.
But you,I surrender.
I don't get scared to close my eyes
I am fearless
Reckless
And everything I thought I would never be.
But I was and
Now I'm unstoppable
And my heart is radio active
Knows no bound coercing all the chain reactions that brings me to you.
I come to you
Sometimes as a dauntless mountain,
Sometimes as waves crushing at your feet
But most of the times the volcanic eruption doesn't reach you.
You see the calm but never the havoc
That I've been keeping inside of me.
I hide my love from you
Like a woman hides her illegitimate child.
How our poor love got estranged and I saw it happen
As if nothing happened .
But the smoke of the burnt ashes
Tears up my eyes
As everyday a new part burns.
All my failed attempts
To erase you
Gather in the funeral
And make a prayer
That this maybe the last time.

Reviews

[Kim S.]

Sometimes as a dauntless mountain,
Sometimes as waves crushing at your feet
But most of the times the volcanic eruption doesn't reach you.
You see the calm but never the havoc
That I've been keeping inside of me.
I hide my love from you

Love this write, it was quite intriguing, much enjoyed this, leaves one to ponder

[JayG]

When I say I put my guards down for you
I meant it word by word.
- - - - - -
Why thank you. I really think... Wait, you're talking to me, but do I know you?

My point? You, someone unknown, are talking TO someone not introduced, about things meaningful to you. So, what's in it for the reader? Without connecting them, emotionally, why would they care? You're not using poetic language, and you're not inviting the reader in. So it reads like a letter, lost in the mail and wrongly delivered.

• I don't take my scalpel with me

Who does? What can this mean to a reader? From their viewpoint, why would anyone take one with them? Unless we have context for that, the words are meaningless as-we-read, because we have no access to your intent for the meaning of the line. One critical thing is to always edit from the seat of the reader, who lacks context unless you provide it.

My point? Make the reader care. Don't talk TO them, about things meaningful to you. Make them meaningful, emotionally, to-the-reader. Instead of saying something like, "I cried at the funeral," give the reader reason to weep.

The thing is, the skills of poetry and fiction are unlike those we learned in school. They were meant to inform, and they guided your writing to this format. But the skills of the poet are emotion, not fact-based, and well worth the time to learn.

Mary Oliver wrote, A Poetry Handbook, and many people swear by it. You can download it, free, here:
https://yes-pdf.com/book/1596

The Shmoop site is another great resource. Lots of great poems are analyzed to show why, and how they work. Log in as Student. Then, there's a button, midpage, to select Poetry.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

[Aura]

Heartbreaking indeed. A fiery love, no more than a little crackle. The one who brought out the confidence and risk-taker in you, now ignores and hurts you even more. This love once beautiful is now trying to be hidden. It hurts when love takes the wrong turn.

[Parsa]

You absolutely got the whole point of my poem.thank you so much for your lovely review.

[Aura]

It was my pleasure!