Asha

The story of a young girl determined to commit suicide.

Asha peeped into her mother’s room and felt a pang when she saw her mother sleeping uneasily in her partially broken bed. She had a feeling that that was the last moment when she was looking at her. She did not wish to linger longer there as it would weaken her resolve to commit suicide that day. Life had become so painful that it was difficult to endure it even for a day longer. It was perhaps the most suitable day to bring her life to an end. Her father was not at home. The elder brothers and sisters-in-law had left the house for work after bitter and endless exchange of accusations. Her mother had become distraught after the usual painful and distressing drama of every day. She had been a mute spectator to everyone’s suffering. Now, she didn’t want to leave anything to chance. She wanted to commit suicide in a manner that no one should be able to intervene and prevent her from doing it.

 

She moved away from her mother’s room thinking that her emotional attachment with her might make her postpone her decision to end her life that day. Enough was enough. The doomsday had come. She had debated the option of ending her life in her own house. But she finally decided against it because it would bring a bad name to her family. She didn’t want anyone to suffer after her death. She had already been a source of great agony for her family. She did not want them to suffer anymore. Her motive was that sanity perhaps would return to her family after her existence came to an end.

 

She felt the clouds darkening outside. Light seemed to fade away. The approaching end was becoming a reality for her. She opened the window and saw a large number of clouds gathering overhead. They seemed to be gathering momentum and merging with one another to form an all encompassing canopy of darkness that would swallow her. Longer she looked at them, greater in number they appeared. They seemed to be coming from all directions and heading towards one single destination. This is the time that she was waiting for. Her determination seemed to strengthen and she surged forward to act upon her determination. Lightening flashed across the sky and she got the answer to her persistent question regarding the most suitable place to dissolve her identity into eternity. It was the well behind Mataji’s ashram. Three maidens had already drowned themselves. She would be the fourth one. After all, number four was her lucky number. The clouds roared as if they approved her decision. She slowly but firmly left the house bolting the main gain behind and bidding her home Goodbye forever.

 

As she stepped down the stairs, she could hear the children being beaten mercilessly at the first floor. All the frustration, incompetence, disappointments, scarcity of resources seemed to result in the beatings of children.  She was reminded of the numerous beatings that she had received at the hands of her father when he had lost his job and when he had no money to meet the basic expenses of life. Initially, she had dreaded beatings but when she saw her mother also being subjected to the same cruel treatment she got used to it. It had almost become an accepted way of life. If one has to live then one has to bear it. Since she didn’t want to live now and had no fear, she wanted to barge into their house and beat both the parents and teach them a lesson. Somehow, she controlled her impulse as she didn’t want to lose sight of her resolution to end her life. So she slid downward.

 

At ground floor, she could hear the boisterous laughter of drunkard men and cries of their helpless victims. On the staircase, she smelt a pimp exhaling a foul smell. Seeing her coming down all alone, he thought he had a rare opportunity to molest her. In fact, she had always been accompanied earlier by her father or elder brothers. He always had a feeling that she was in great dread of him. Emboldened by this thought, he decided to put a gentle expression on his face to tempt her. Stretching his hands as a gesture of his friendship and helpfulness, he moved towards her. To his utter disbelief and shock, he was brushed aside. He felt that her fragile hand had changed into a strong solid iron bar. He lost the nerve to pursue her as she relentlessly moved onto the street.

 

After a very long gap, she had come on to the street all alone. It was altogether a new experience. Only during school days, she used to step out of the house all alone. At that time, the place was inhabitable. Her father had a suitable job and handsome income. Momentarily, some happy memories bypassed her. She could only recall them with indistinctness. She felt she had no time to think of those happy days. She did not wish to be spotted and dragged back to her life of agony and humiliation.

She just wanted to get away from the place and plunge into the well. She had been to Mataji’s ashram in her childhood. She knew that it was at the outskirts of the town and it would not be quite difficult for her to locate it. As of now, the greatest challenge before her was to traverse through the maze of narrow lanes of her locality.

 

The lanes had always been fraught with great danger and risk since the Mughal times. She had heard that a British general had received a bullet shot from an obscure point and succumbed to his injuries when he was leading his troops to recapture the town in 1857. She had also seen communal riots taking place there. She had even heard terrorists hiding there and waiting for an opportunity to strike. Moving all alone through these by-lanes she had some misgivings. She could never have ventured to go out alone. Amazingly, she found that she had found great strength then and she was not afraid of anything. Come what may, she was mentally prepared to face all eventualities. It is very difficult to cow down a person who is not afraid of death. In her case, she was all willing to embrace it. Without any unhappy and untoward incident, she managed to come out of her locality.

 

She could recall that the way to Ashram was through the market. Slowly but steadily, she moved towards it. As she approached the entry point, she saw a group of young students coming. She became curious about them. She wanted to see them from close quarters, so she halted her pace. The group consisted of four young boys and three girls. All of them were wearing uniforms. When she saw the girls wearing spotlessly clean dresses and ties, she was thrilled. She had an irresistible desire to be one of them. Her eyes got focused upon the girl who was carrying a voluminous book. Asha wondered at the profound knowledge contained in that volume. She wanted to move forward and feel that book. Thoughtlessly she took the first step towards her when she saw the most handsome boy bending towards the girl and whispering something into her ear. The thoughtful and profound expression on her face was replaced by shyness and immense joy. The smart boy took hold of her hand and the whole group moved forward. As she saw them gradually disappearing from her sight, she felt a piercing pang. She began to be haunted by what she had missed in her life. Completely lost in her thoughts, she kept on standing there for a long time.

 

The path through the market gradually became crowded; a truck partially blocked the way. Vehicles from both the sides slowed down and finally the traffic resulted in an impasse. Asha began to feel that her life was more or less in the same miserable plight. She was now completely clueless how to wade through the maze of her life. With every passing moment, she was becoming more helpless. Wondering what to do next, she decided to wait there. From a distance, she spotted a scooter emerging from the opposite direction. The driver seemed to be exceptionally skilled and maneuvered the vehicle with extraordinary dexterity. As the vehicle passed Asha, she was thrilled to discover that the driver was a young married girl in her mid twenties. A small girl with celestial beauty was clinging upon her back. Amazingly, she managed to find her way every time she got blocked by one or the other vehicle. Her determination to move forward and face every difficulty appeared to be heroic. At once, Asha was reminded of Queen of Jhansi. In her childhood, she had seen a movie in which the queen with her infant on her back, wielding her sword dexterously, pierced through impenetrable horde of mighty British soldiers unscathed. Asha decided to emulate her. Indifferent to all obstacles, she decided to forge ahead.

 

As she quickened her pace, her observation power enhanced. All along the shops on both sides, she saw a large number of workers sitting outside. Most of them were so absorbed in their work that they didn’t bother to look at passersby. Their perseverance and commitment to work seemed unprecedented. She initially wondered why they were working so hard.  Gradually, she began to realize that they were struggling for their survival and were working for the happiness of their families. She was reminded of her family. The moment she thought about her family, she was overpowered by depression and customary hopelessness. Her family had given her only a wretched existence and she had set out from her house with the intention to put an end to her life. She didn’t want to go back to her house under any circumstances.

 

Thinking what to do next, she looked upward towards Heaven as if to seek guidance.

A violent breeze struck her face. Dark clouds were swiftly moving westward. There were small gaps among them through which light was struggling hard to appear. Wherever light appeared to succeed, darker and uglier clouds seemed to envelope it. For a long time, she kept on watching the struggle between darkness and light. She wanted light to succeed whereas darkness seemed to be becoming more and more successful. She wondered why God was not taking the side of light. Nevertheless, she gradually began to enjoy the struggle between darkness and light for supremacy. For a moment, it appeared to her that the struggle between darkness and light was eternal. Imperceptibly, she began to enjoy the ugly clouds. The clouds began to lose their ugliness. Their swift upward and downward movement seemed to have a hidden meaning. Lightning flashed and a few drops of rain fell upon her face. A joyful cry escaped her lips. For the first time, she had a desire to live.

 

As she moved towards the end of the market, she saw a juice shop crowded with people belonging to different age groups and strata of society. Most of them were holding eatables in their hands and eating them leisurely. For the first time she began to feel hungry. Slowly, she approached the shop and stood by. The help boy asked her what she wanted, she pointed towards mango juice and sandwich. She was served promptly. She began to eat greedily for the first time in the day. The hunger had stopped her thought processes for the first time. Little did she realize that she had no money with her. As she handed the empty glass of juice to the help boy, he asked for forty rupees. She was startled. She looked blank. She was unaware that a rich young man wearing stylistic clothes had been following her for quite some time and observing each and every expression of her face. He was convinced that she was alone and no one was there to support her. He came forward and opened his purse deliberately in a manner to let her have a glimpse that his purse was packed with notes of high denomination. He paid her bill. She opened her mouth to thank him when she noticed that he was looking intently at her breast. She moved a step backward. Regardless of the people all around, stretching forward and holding her left hand, pointing towards his luxurious car, he insinuated to her to accompany him. She was reminded of the morning incident when the pimp had tried to approach her. Flying into a rage she shouted at the top of her voice and asked him to get lost. All human activity came to a standstill. People standing all around stood aghast. No one knew what to say or do. Hearing her loud burst, a young woman in her thirties wearing saffron clothes stopped. Seeing her, the young man rushed towards his car. All the people moved away from her to a respectable distance. Asha sensed that everybody had a great regard for her. There was an aura of great spiritual vigor. She felt blessed by her presence. The young holy saint had an expression of great compassion at her face. She didn’t utter a single word and looked questioningly at her. Asha murmured, “I want to visit Mataji’s ashram”. She waved her hand to follow her. Asha had no option but to lovingly obey her. The people resumed their activities.

 

As they entered the ashram, Asha was impressed by the serenity, care, order and discipline of the place. Spirituality seemed to pervade every animate and inanimate object. The passage was spotlessly clean. The row of bushes was well-maintained. Each plant and tree was trimmed to perfection. The greenery all around exercised a very healthy influence upon her mind. She wondered how she had managed to reach there. For a moment, she reflected upon the purpose of her coming there.

 

Unwillingly she asked Sister Karuna, “I hear there is a well. Where is it?”

Karuna’s expression became grim and observed, “I had come in search of that well ten years ago. It wasn’t there. Ma ji had also come here with that intent twenty years ago. She found that three maids had drowned themselves by jumping into the well. She changed her mind and filled the well with great perseverance. She finally got the well cemented and laid the foundation of this sweet garden. She developed this place into an ashram.”

Karuna moved forward, held Asha’s hand affectionately and started moving towards the main hall where Ma always preached. The affectionate touch produced a wave of purity and love in Asha. She was overjoyed and looked at Karuna with gratitude.

Inside the hall, Ma was sitting on a raised platform with half shut eyes. She was clad in pure white. In the background, there were beautiful, colorful and lifelike portraits of Lord Rama, Lord Buddha, Lord Mahaveera, Jesus Christ, Prophet Mohammad and Guru Nanak Ji. About fifty persons were sitting in five rows. There was a pin drop silence. Nobody seemed to be moving. Everyone seemed to be absorbed in drinking heavenly nectar flowing from the lips of Ma. She was concluding her sermon with,

“Life is a constant struggle. One is always beset by conflicting choices of good and bad. One must use one’s prudence and conscience to determine what is right for an individual and society. God is present in you and you are a part of God. Always listen to His voice. Give up your wrong belief system, anger, hatred, impatience and lust. These are not your natural characteristics.  Peace, love and forgiveness are your inherent attributes. Preserve them and always forgive them who sin against you. Life is meant to serve others and realize the truth that you are an integral part of Him. You are his child and He loves you.”

Ma stopped speaking. Silence reigned for quite some time. Meditating, she continued to sit in the contemplative posture. There was no commotion in the hall. In turn, one devotee after another, stood up, bowed before her and left the hall. Not even a single word was spoken. When the last devotee had left, Karuna followed by Asha, stood before Ma ji. She slowly opened her eyes and Karuna murmured something into her right ear. She blissfully looked upon Asha. Involuntarily, Asha moved and touched her feet without realizing that no devotee had done it earlier and it was forbidden. Ignoring her lapse, Ma placed her right hand upon her forehead. Asha felt as if God had blessed her. Peace and love descended upon her soul. She was raised to a profound state of harmony. She heard Ma saying, “Serve God by serving those who serve others. Your redemption lies therein. Karuna, take her to her room and explain the rules of the Ashram.” She closed her eyes.

Led by Karuna, she stepped out of the hall. A pleasant breeze greeted her. The violence in the breeze had disappeared. It seemed to soothe her. With all the gratitude, she looked upward. There wasn’t a trace of dark clouds. All of them seemed to have dissolved into air and cleansed the atmosphere. A bright star was shining with rare splendor. Another slightly less bright star seemed to be accompanying it. Crescent moon appeared at the horizon. With every passing moment, it seemed to be acquiring greater brilliance under the beneficent influence of those two stars. Asha was overjoyed at this heavenly spectacle.

Having entered her new room, Karuna explained her duties and the rules of the Ashram.  Asha listened with rapt attention and assured her that she would follow and adhere to the teachings of Ma.

Karuna said, “You must be hungry. Would you like to eat anything?”

Feeling satiated in her soul, she answered, “I would like to serve food to others first.”

Karuna stated, “Your duties start from tomorrow. Take rest and reflect upon your future life and decide accordingly.”

“Decision has already been taken. Only I have got to make myself worthy of your love and guidance. Kindly tell me the secret of your and Ma’s inner strength.”

“Selfless Meditation”

“Would you kindly teach me its technique?”

“With all my heart”

Karuna initiated her into the art of meditation for some time and then left the room.

Asha looked closely at her room. There was a bookshelf. She opened it and saw the copies of holy books: the Ramayana, the Gita, the Bible, the Guru Granth Sahib and the Koran etc. She raised them one by one and touched them on her forehead and placed them back with great reverence.  The spotless white curtains pleased her. She drew them apart. The crescent moon had gained greater brilliance and lunar light entered her room. She went back to her bed and sat there in the same contemplative posture in which Ma was sitting. Events of the day and the teachings of Ma flashed through her consciousness. She felt that her spiritual level was rising higher and higher. She wanted to serve others and finally decided to dedicate her life to selfless service. She lay upon the bed and fell into peaceful sleep. Lunar light kept on enhancing her spiritual beauty throughout the night.

Author's Note

First attempt at writing.