Which is worse?

Trigger warning/ depression and mentions of death

I have found in this state
The abyss of sadness I had damned away
The creeping darkness of potential death
And I can’t run from it this time because I have no where to run too
No room to lock the door
No door to lock
No house to have either
Watching time move forward I find myself fantasizing
Less about the beauty of newness and change
And more about eternal sleep
The forever embrace of the earth

And I cry silently next to the one I love
Because I know I can’t leave them
And I know their hurting too
And they wipe so many of my tears
To burden them with my forever silence
Would be more cruel than being without a home
But I can’t quiet my mind anymore

And beating the sadness out of me didnt work
And I want to cut into my flesh like a surgeon does
Removing all the painful masses of sadness and fear
Stripping away my nerves so I don’t feel
Because this pain will kill me
If I don’t do it first