But, I love you.

A Story by Kali Eyster

This is sort of, kind of, the final letter I wrote to my, mostly, ex boyfriend. I tried; but really who can sum up all the things you can feel for someone, especially when it's ending.

You were my first; the flutter in my belly and the heat between my head. You loved me; of course you loved me. There was never any way I wasn’t going to fall for you. I met you; and I changed. I wish I had known; I wish we both had known; how things were going to turn out. I suppose no one ever really knows, and if they did; they wouldn’t stay. Would you have stayed? If you had known what would happen; how April would stay April and everything would change. Of course we knew didn’t know; nothing ever stays the same.

Do you think we rushed it? I think maybe we had. Our relationship was so bitty and humble; and it grew so big and fixed. I think maybe, I think. Things: what do I even mean by things? I don’t know; everything. From when you said my name to when you said goodnight; I mean everything. All we’ve had and been through, has been everything; all these things. Everything was sour and rotten and spoiled, or at least it’d get that way.

I’m not sure why we had to follow the pattern; the average span; the rigid length; the trials of a relationship. You were my socks, and the way spelled my name; you were the light switch on my wall; and the way I closed my door; maybe that’s why it all went wrong. I must admit, I gave you too much. I must admit, I shouldn’t have made you account for my world. I shouldn’t have loved you so goddamn much; it’s my entire fault. I know now what I should have done, and what I wouldn’t have done even given the chance. I should have turned around; straight away. I should have noticed the signs and not have been so goddamn happy. I shouldn’t have loved you right away.

I don’t regret it. I mean us; I mean you. I don’t regret it. How could I? I couldn’t; I don’t regret it. I know it wasn’t perfect, and I know it couldn’t have been even if we tried. I shouldn’t have given you everything; hoping you’d give it all back. I shouldn’t have ignored my friends and myself because I thought you were most important. I shouldn’t have loved you. But I did; and I don’t regret it.

It’s a funny feeling; loving you. Is it a funny feeling loving me? I’m sure it is. I love you like I walk or when I sleep; I love you like I think or when I write. Loving you is so easy, Mark. Some people might think loving someone is hard, but it’s really not. Loving you is easiest thing I do all day; it’s like existing or blinking. Loving you is wonderful to be honest; it fills me up and makes me feel very light and very heavy. I hope loving me is as easy and as light.

I never really had a chance with you. There was always this fixed point, this relative time, and in every scene I’d find you. You never really knew what you were. You were light and fun and magic; and all mine. You never really knew how I felt, or how I could feel. I guess no one ever really knows how someone is capable of feeling or the extent they are capable of loving. You were the absolute everything to me, and you never really knew. You couldn’t have known how hard I’d fallen, and you probably won’t ever. I’ll try to share a little bit of what it was like; falling for you. From the library to your room; the blue in your eyes and way you shook, I loved every inch of what you could be. Pokémon’ had never been so interesting and I’d never cared more about the way a person dreamt, you were an absolute, and I never had a chance. I know you never really knew, and couldn’t ever really know how I felt or how much I was capable of loving you, but it was all and it was everything and you were an absolute.

You never really know how something is going to turn out. I certainly didn’t know how we would turn out. I was hoping for the best and I think maybe I got it. I think, maybe, we squeezed all the love we could get from what we had and who we were. I think maybe it wasn’t supposed to be something long or short but just enough. Just enough to meet and smile, just enough to fall in love, just enough to get hurt, and just enough to fall away; I think our love was just enough. It’s not really true though, is it? That our love is just enough? No, it’s not; it couldn’t be. I think, I think our love was more than enough; more than I could have asked for. I gave and received more love than I even deserve.

I’m not sure everyone gets to have this feeling, this kind of love. I’m really glad we had what we had, with each other. I’m glad I got to give you what I could for the time I could. I’m glad you could give me what you wanted for the time you had. I’m happy I got to meet you and love you. If I could thank you for every kiss and every laugh I would, but we both know it’s too many to count and too many to think of. I can thank you, for meeting me. I can thank you, for wanting to have something more with me, than most. I can thank you for making me happy and listening. Thank you, for being yourself, when I needed someone to be themselves.

You never know how much you are capable of crying; until you look at the clock. I’ve no clock or source of time, but I know that I’ve cried and sank. I’ve written you something I’m finally satisfied with and I’ve cried most of the way through it. Mark, I’m happy. I’m happy that ‘Mark, I’m happy’, qualifies as a sentence and I’m happy I’ve written this. I’m happy I’ve had the time to do this and I’m happy you’ve loved me. But, Mark, I’m sad. I’m sad I had to write something like this and I’m very sad we had to follow the average pattern. I’m sad that I’m sad and I’m sad that I’ll miss you. I often feel like I’ve lost my left foot or an eyeball; that’s right, you’re that important to me. I know I haven’t really lost you, and I know you’ll still be there. But a part of us is gone, and we won’t ever have it back; it won’t ever be the same.

You were my first; the flutter in my belly and the heat between my head. I loved you; of course I loved you. And now you’ll stay my friend.