A Kiss (Version 2.0)

When I see myself reflected in you, I seem beautiful.

All self-deprecation is drowned in the liquid cadence

of our souls rubbing and touching like wind chimes;

playing a freestyle harmony that could lull Hell’s flames

to sweet dreaming smoky sleep.

 

Deep in a warm trance I ponder how eyes

fixated like mirrors can reflect oneness again and again.

 

We are two souls plaited so tightly
we seem twisted, your lips close to mine,
a sculpture paralleling heavenly art.

 

Clouds and stars around us become mere framework

to the vision of our cosmic intersection.

 

My mortal constitution shudders intensely

as anticipation soars and our mouths coalesce.

I realize our bodies are as well fitted as our minds.

Eyes closed, but the overlapping reflections remain.
Even the gods covet our passion in this pure moment.

Author's Note

Still working on it. Please keep the suggestions coming.

Reviews

[Salvatore Buttaci]

Stoney, I like it much better this way. Only one comment. Your line "My mortal constitution shudders intensely" seems hard to visualize. "This mortal shell trembles" would say it much faster and provide more of a mind picture than "mortal constitution." As for "intensely" it seems to be unnecessary if you use a more precise verb like "trembles."

Sal

[Anita B Jacques]

Well said with magic words. It's dream like to me and enjoyed the reading, the beauty in a kiss, wanting to make it last forever. To me it's perfect as is. Thank you for sharing.

[Aly]

Wow.
I really like this ^^