i tried

turning up the music

as loud as i can stand

trying to drive the pain out

the pain of rejection

i know it's just one night

and that it's stupidity 

but i can't deny that i feel it

you turned me off

and that hurts

maybe i'm too sensitive

maybe i'm too addicted

but now i'm crying

and my tears are for you

for all the things i lost

i'll still wait, but i won't call

no, won't call anymore

it'll kill me more than it ever

will do anything to you

but it's part of my self-discipline

part of my life that i'm

cutting out of my heart

i tried this once, but the pull

the pull was too strong,

just way too temptingly strong

couldn't be without your voice

and still cannot be without it

for a single night it seems

but this time, please, this time

i will abstain, and succeed

because, painful to see,

you don't need me tonight

not the way i need you

you won't need me all week

so i'll try not to even bother

but it will torture me

it'll cross the threads of my mind

tug at the weak strings until,

until they snap beneath its

seductively soothing power

just like it did before

but i will master myself

if nothing and none else will

right now, above the pain

i'm already trying to rationalize

with myself about you

that maybe you were busy

and i know that when i wake up

the next morning, i'll read

all the words i've written here

and call myself a fool

because you need a break

from life, from work, from home

and a break from me

a break from the suffocating

routine of cyclic monotony

and where you are right now

among fellow music men

will definitely give you that

and i keep telling myself

that calling you at midnight

is selfish, stupid, and wrong

because you need sleep too

yet i find i keep doing it

well, not this time, no

i will pretend i forgot

which numbers to dial

though i know that's a lie

and though it hurts still more

i will try not to think

of all those other women

who prance around you now

enticing, teasing, and mature,

seductive, available, and beautiful

and the thoughts you

might be having about them

because jealousy is just

stupidity in disguise, and

because i can't control

what and where you do it

and i wouldn't want to control 

you anyway, it's not my nature

i can only let you know

how i feel, and i can only

suggest and hope, because

even you know i'm yours,

that you're the one for me

it's gonna take one hell

of a lot of convincing for

someone else to sway my heart

when right now it's riding

somewhere in your chest:

you've two hearts for my one

but you can't blame me

for passivity, because i tried

and still am trying, each

and every second of life

Author's Note

Another long one, this time about doubt and pain.