First Love

A Poem by Rae

About my first love.

She was happy,
She was strange,
She giggled like a child.

What were we?
How did we age
And mature?
We were wild.

We still talk sometimes.
She's now twenty-five.
I'm not sure how long it's been
But she'll still be with me
Until I'm not here anymore.

She's tattooed and engaged,
She works for a charity,
She lives up north.

I'm here,
I didn't even cry
When my girlfriend left me 10 months ago.
I didn't even cry
When my best friend raped me.
I didn't even cry
When my girlfriend came back a month ago.
I didn't even cry.
I didn't even smile.
I'm desensitised.
I don't feel anything.

When we talk, I say everything is fine.
That I'm not struggling with rent,
That I'm not struggling with depression,
That I'm not struggling,
That I'm not alone,
That I don't feel alive.
I don't really know how to cope with it.