Blue

This is a poem about growing up as a trans kid in a Christian household. This is the story of my life.

I see in blue
As the little child who refused to wear a dress with bows and frills to church because I wasn't allowed to get dirty in the mud
I see in blue
As the child who was held down and shoved into dresses and bows to "look pretty" every Sunday
I see in blue
As the ten year old who climbed to the top of a tree because the boys were climbing it and I knew I was just like them
I see in blue
As the ten year old who was hit when their parents learned of the "dangerous behaviour" they participated in
I see in blue
As the sixth grader who cried when they started developing a chest because "This shouldnt be happening to me"
I see in blue
As the sixth grader who was told "This is normal, it happens to every other little girl. Now you're a lady so stop acting so childish"
I see in blue
As the 14 year old who swore off motherhood because "That sounds wrong to me but I don't understand why"
I see in blue
As the 14 year old who was told they would change their mind one day and that they "just needed to find the right boy to settle down and have babies with"
I see in blue
As the 15 year old who started researching gender online and found the term "gender fluid" which they thought fit them well, mostly because of the years of being told they would always be a girl, they made a Facebook post explaining this to their friends and family
I see in blue
As the 15 year old who listened in on their parents who were upstairs and heard them say "she's too young to know" and "she's just going through a phase"
I see in blue
As the 17 year old who went through a strictly feminine phase to force themselves to abide by the gender roles they didnt see a way out of, dresses and makeup and long hair to always look pretty
I see in blue
As the 17 year old who pushed down the feelings of wrongness and unhappiness because it made everyone else happy and that was the only way to survive
I see in blue
As the 19 year old who saw their own death as the only escape because even after 18 they were stuck living with their parents
I see in blue
As the 19 year old who unknowingly walked into an abusive relationship thinking it would be a way out of the hell they were born into
I see in blue
As the 23 year old who had to move back home with bruises, fearing their own death by the hands of a man
I see in blue
As the 23 year old who decided that enough was enough and that the only way they would get a chance to live happily was by being themselves
I see in blue
As the 25 year old who finally moved out of hell and found a better life
I see in blue
As the 25 year old who discovered the euphoria of binding his chest, being called the right name and pronouns, and being free to dress as he pleases
I see in blue
As the 26 year old who looks forward to taking testosterone to become the man he's always seen himself as, who found another man who loves him to the ends of the earth
I see in blue
As the 26 year old who finally wants to live to be a father, a husband, a grandpa and a 90 year old man in a rocking chair, looking back on the last 65 years with no regrets
I see in blue
And its my favorite color