My truth

This is a letter I wrote to my crush, but while writing it more feelings poured out then I wanted to. So, I never sent it to him.

Dear secret crush,

I have known you for six years, and in those six years you have shown me compassion, friendship, betrayal, heartbreak, and more. You were the first person I opened myself up to after being bullied in 7th grade. We spent everyday at the Mustard Seed Deli after school, before we would walk to the baseball field over the tracks, or the dunk tank in the empty field near your house.

Each day I would fall for you more and more. I love running my fingers through your hair. I love playing with your fingers, because your hands are just so soft. I love it when you just hold me close to you, wrapped in your arms feeling safe; feeling like nothing can tear us apart, like we are the only two people on earth. I love laying my head on your chest and being able to hear your heartbeat. When it was cold outside and we were waiting for my mom to come and get me, you would hold me even tighter to make sure I was warm; before yanking my jacket up and exposing my stomach to the frosty air. We would just stay hidden behind the dunk tank all cozy, just laughing and talking about anything and everything.

But, then you started disappearing. Saying you were too busy to hang out with me. Turns out you got a new girlfriend, and she was really jealous of our friendship. She told you she didn’t want you hanging out with me, so you didn’t. So, I was left alone to fight some new demons that hurt me physically, mentally, and emotionally. You left me alone, and I stopped trusting you. I stopped trusting everybody. But, when you had your heartbroken, by the girl who was jealous of me, I was there waiting, wishing I was dead. Because, all I felt was dead inside.

I got in a car wreck and totaled my car, and you never asked me how I was. I was fine, I just wish I had died in the wreck. But, I walked away with an airbag burn on my left arm, and broken glass from the windshield in my hair. The next time you saw me I wasn’t very happy anymore. I didn’t smile, I didn’t laugh, I didn’t like being touched by anyone. I forced myself to let my family hug me. I fell asleep crying at night wondering where you were, and why you left me alone. You allowed me to get hurt. But, I forgave you, like I always do, because I’m in love with you.

After I was hurt, I went to the dunk tank. I screamed your name, wishing you would show up and save me. You never came. So, I began cutting everywhere there was a bruise. My stomach, my thighs, my hips, my upper arms, my wrists; just so that I would feel something else, anything else. You never came, so I finally went home and tried to scrub myself clean. But, no matter how hard I scrubbed, no matter how raw my skin felt, I still felt dirty.

Even though you changed after your heart was broken, you should still be there for me. I consider us best friends with the potential to become more than that. Now, the only time I hear from you is if you need or want something. Then something upsets me, like you getting a girlfriend after kissing me. So, I pick a fight with you over the phone, and you wonder why I’m so cold and mad. You getting a girlfriend, and not thinking it’s a good idea if we hang out. You doing the EXACT same thing you did to me while we were in school. The only difference this time, is that you actually kissed me, and you gave me hope. Only to crush it a week later.

You found out I was cutting myself, and you threatened that if you ever found out that I was still doing that you were going to stab your truck key into my spine. Well, how are you supposed to know if I am cutting or not, if we never talk, we never hang out, we never do anything!!! I just really want the guy I first met when I moved to Waskom back. I want to know what true happiness feels like again. I want my best friend back. I want the guy I fell in love with back.

Sincerely,
Your best friend.